Lessons on Staying Married, From 2 Divorce Court Insiders
Many marriages crumble not just from communication problems, but because couples fail to build a genuine friendship and gradually allow everyday partnership, mutual respect and simple appreciation to slip away.
I lived in divorce court for more than 30 years. It was that area of law that troubled me more than any other.
The overwhelming sadness of what divorce does to the actors in this human tragedy — especially to children — should never be minimized. Nor should the reality of becoming a single parent — something few people ever think of while standing in line to obtain a marriage license or screaming at each other in front of their kids.
When friends get divorced, we all ask, "What happened? What went wrong? Could it have been prevented?"
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Nevada family law Judge Stacy Rocheleau and her husband, divorce attorney Rock Rocheleau, reply, Yes, "if they know what leads to conflict and how to avoid it."
I asked them to describe some of the factors that go well beyond the commonly heard "communication issues" that can contribute to a marriage's destruction.
But first, if you or someone you know is facing the reality of becoming a single parent, you might want to check out The Field Guide for Single Parents: Practical Tips to Gain Control of Your Life by Pat Hankin and Jessica Ames.
I wish this 2025 book had existed when my office staff were helping to put back together the fractured lives of our clients who did not know where to begin as newly single parents.
The Field Guide for Single Parents is a user's manual for survival in a role no one prepares for and also can help keep a parent out of financial and emotional trouble. When friends ask, "How can I help you?" this book could prove to be a lifesaver.
The view from the Rocheleaus
The Rocheleaus note that the seeds of a failed marriage are planted early. And while there are many reasons why a couple might get divorced, the Rocheleaus are sharing some specific insights based on their careers in divorce court. These aren't intended to diagnose or minimize anyone's marriage troubles.
"Who is the last person on earth whose feelings you want to hurt?" Stacy asks. "It is your best friend. Friendship takes time to develop. Rushing into intense romance too soon — while exciting — masks incompatibilities.
"So, in family law, we see the results of couples who literally did not know each other before they decided to marry, and when issues arise, they become overwhelmed."
Rock shares the recipe for a failed marriage:
- Combine a lack of tolerance with a short fuse — for example, failing or refusing to respect your spouse's parenting style.
- Add a large measure of "my way or the highway"
- Bake for months or years
- Garnish with disrespect
Rock adds, "When clients say, 'But he was never like that before,' I ask, 'How long did you know each other before getting married?' Often, the answer is, 'Not long enough to see how either of us would handle conflict.'"
Be a partner in all ways
The Rocheleaus also note that unequal sharing of household duties can make a relationship tense.
"Failure to be a partner in all aspects of your relationship creates resentment," Stacy says. "This includes the daily, practical things, like doing the laundry and the many small tasks required when two or more people live under one roof."
Similarly, pulling your weight financially can be a huge issue. "There is nothing acceptable, especially in these days of sky-high prices, for one spouse who is capable of working just staying home and doing nothing but watching Netflix," Stacy points out.
Financial issues on one partner's part should also be a red flag in the early days of a relationship. "Were they financially responsible?" Stacy asks. "Did they give in to impulse and buy things they could not afford?"
Looks matter?
While his take might not be palatable to some, Rock notes that in his practice he's seen plenty of couples choose to divorce because one partner didn't maintain their "physical attractiveness."
"I can't tell you how many couples divorce because one or the other says to themselves, 'I got him/her and how I look doesn't matter anymore.' It does! We are attracted to each other physically, and that is not something that simply vanishes after the wedding cake is sliced."
Don't forget to show your appreciation
"When we compliment our kids for doing well on a test, or how nicely they've cleaned their room," Stacy says, "they feel validated and appreciated. It's the same thing with our partners in life." She suggests sharing pats on the back such as:
- Dinner was great — thanks
- The lawn looks amazing
- You're lovely in that outfit
- Thanks for getting the oil changed
- I love cuddling with you
- Being with you makes me happy
- I appreciate all the things you do for our family
Such comments cost nothing, but they're priceless. They convey the sentiment "I love you and want to always be with you because you are my world."
My interview with Stacy and Rock was one of the most enjoyable in recent months. In family law, it is easy to become cynical and embittered. But this couple have not.
Their middle initials should be P for Positive. They really are unicorns in this negative field of law, and it is so refreshing. They care and tell it like it is.
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
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