I'm a Retirement Psychologist: This Is Why a Supportive Marriage May Matter More Than Money in Retirement

For decades, retirement planning has centered on a single dominant question: "Will I have enough money?"

Yet, research across health, psychology and neuroscience continues to reveal a different truth — one that rarely shows up on the balance sheet. Our relationships, especially those that are intimate and emotionally supportive, might be just as important to long-term health and well-being as financial security.

A recent UCLA study provides compelling biological evidence for that claim. Researchers found that people in emotionally supportive marriages had lower body mass indices (BMIs), healthier gut metabolism and stronger brain circuits associated with self-control than those without that combination of commitment and emotional support.

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The main point isn't just that marriage is beneficial. It's that supportive relationships — those that provide a sense of safety and dependability over time — might influence how our minds and bodies age. This insight has significant implications for our views on retirement.

Why retirement outcomes aren't just financial

Kiplinger readers know that longevity has transformed retirement. Many Americans will spend 25 to 35 years — or more — in their post-career lives. Financial planning is crucial, but money alone doesn't explain why some retirees thrive while others struggle, even with similar resources.

Research increasingly shows that health span, not just life span, determines the quality of retirement. Health span is shaped by daily behaviors — such as eating, exercise, stress management and impulse control — that are deeply social.

The UCLA study followed 94 adults and found that those in marriages marked by both commitment and emotional support showed healthier responses in the brain's self-regulation centers when exposed to tempting food cues.

They also had fewer symptoms of food addiction and more favorable gut metabolite profiles associated with reduced inflammation and metabolic health.

In short, supportive relationships appear to help people make better choices automatically — not through willpower alone, but through biology.

The biology of feeling safe

The study's lead author described a supportive marriage as a "chronic, reliable safety cue" for the body. That phrase is worth reflecting on.

As people enter retirement, familiar sources of identity and structure — such as work roles, schedules and professional relevance — often disappear. The nervous system perceives uncertainty as stress, and chronic stress silently undermines health, increasing the risk of weight gain, inflammation and metabolic issues.

Supportive marriages seem to protect against this effect. Researchers observed slightly higher levels of oxytocin — the hormone linked to bonding and trust — in married individuals. Oxytocin receptors are found in both the brain's self-control areas and the gastrointestinal tract, connecting emotional bonds to appetite regulation and gut health.

This explains why emotional support is just as important as marital status itself. Without it, marriage is only a social label. With it, marriage signals stability.

Gray divorce: When support breaks down

These findings also shed light on a growing retirement trend that often surprises couples: Gray divorce.

In a previous Kiplinger article, Why Gray Divorce Happens and Five Ways to Avoid It, I explained why divorce rates among adults age 50 and older have doubled since 1990 — and nearly tripled for those age 65 and older. While finances, health and lifestyle differences contribute, emotional disconnection consistently remains a main cause.

Many long-term marriages survive busy decades of work and parenting, only to unravel when those external structures fall away. Retirement forces couples to confront a question they may have avoided for years: Who are we now, together?

The UCLA research helps explain why this moment is so destabilizing. When emotional support erodes, the nervous system no longer receives reliable signals of safety. Stress increases, self-regulation weakens and resentment grows — often silently. What feels like a relationship problem might also be a biological one.

Gray divorce, in this context, isn't just about unhappiness. It's often the culmination of years without consistent emotional attunement.

Marriage as a training ground for self-control

One of the study's most intriguing findings is the idea that marriage — when supportive — might strengthen self-control over time.

Maintaining a long-term partnership requires patience, emotional regulation and long-term thinking. These skills overlap with the same brain circuits responsible for managing eating behavior, stress responses and habit formation.

They're also essential in retirement, when structure must be self-created and choices compound over decades.

This aligns with broader retirement research showing that people who maintain strong relational ties — whether with a spouse, partner or close community — are more likely to stay active, manage chronic conditions and preserve cognitive health.

Relationships, in other words, are not just emotionally enriching. They're behaviorally stabilizing.

What this means for retirement planning

In my new book, Your Encore Years, I describe retirement not as an ending, but as a developmental stage built on three interconnected pillars: Identity, purpose and connection.

• Identity answers the question, "Who am I now that my work role has changed?"
• Purpose addresses, "What gives my days meaning and direction?"
• And connection reflects the quality of our relationships and sense of belonging.

Financial security supports all three, but it cannot replace them. Without identity, people feel adrift; without purpose, motivation fades; and without connection, even well-funded retirements can feel empty or stressful.

Research on emotionally supportive marriages reinforces this framework by showing that connection is not just emotionally beneficial — it is biologically stabilizing and foundational to well-being in the Encore Years.

The UCLA findings indicate that planners, advisers and retirees might need to expand their understanding of "retirement readiness." In addition to portfolio projections and withdrawal strategies, key questions include:

• Do I have emotionally supportive, reliable relationships?
• How will my closest relationships change when work ends?
• What daily rituals reinforce connection and predictability?

Simple habits — morning check-ins, shared walks, weekly date nights or regular conversations without distraction — might seem small. But the nervous system recognizes consistency as safety, and safety encourages healthier choices over time.

A broader view of wealth

None of this diminishes the importance of sound financial planning. But it challenges the belief that money alone determines retirement outcomes.

As retirees live longer, the quality of those years will increasingly depend on quietly building habits, health and human connections.

Supportive relationships don't just make retirement more enjoyable; they might also help preserve the physical and cognitive abilities needed to enjoy it.

In that sense, emotional support might be one of the most undervalued assets in retirement planning — something that doesn't show up on a statement but provides dividends every day.

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