Why Gray Divorce Happens and Five Ways to Avoid It
Emotional intelligence is a key ingredient in a relationship's long-term success, and it can be learned and strengthened at any age. Here's how, according to a psychologist.


In recent decades, a quiet but significant shift has occurred in American relationships. While overall divorce rates have declined, one demographic is defying the trend: couples over 50.
Known as gray divorce, this phenomenon indicates the rising number of older adults choosing to end their marriages later in life — and the statistics are striking. According to data from the Pew Research Center, the divorce rate for people aged 50 and older has roughly doubled since 1990. For those over 65, it has nearly tripled.
So why are so many long-term partnerships unraveling just as retirement begins? The answer isn’t simple, but it often comes down to emotional disconnection, poor communication and a lack of shared purpose in the later years.
From just $107.88 $24.99 for Kiplinger Personal Finance
Be a smarter, better informed investor.

Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free Newsletters
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.
The end of the parenting era
For many couples, the routines of raising children, maintaining careers and managing a household can mask deeper relationship issues. These long-simmering tensions often surface once the kids leave home and work slows down.
Without the structure of daily obligations, couples are left with the question: Who are we now, together? Unfortunately, not everyone likes the answer. Retirement doesn’t feel like a new beginning when emotional intimacy has eroded over decades — it feels like being trapped with a stranger.
The role of emotional intelligence
One of the most overlooked factors in gray divorce is the role of emotional intelligence. Defined as the ability to recognize, understand and manage one’s own emotions — while also being attuned to the emotions of others — emotional intelligence is a key ingredient in long-term relationship success.
High emotional intelligence enables partners to navigate conflict, practice empathy and support each other through life’s inevitable changes. In contrast, couples who have difficulty communicating effectively, expressing appreciation or resolving disagreements often drift apart over time.
The problem arises when emotional habits become entrenched. One partner might grow critical or withdrawn, while the other may feel unheard or dismissed. Over the years, these patterns intensify, creating a silent emotional divide that becomes increasingly difficult to bridge.
Empathy and the danger of one-sided conversations
Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, playing a vital role not only in marriage but also in relationships with adult children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, many older adults unintentionally create emotional distance by dominating conversations with complaints, unsolicited opinions or a continuous commentary on their health.
While it’s natural to want to be heard and understood, conversations centered on personal frustrations, aches or judgments often leave others feeling drained instead of connected. Over time, this can result in fewer visits, shorter phone calls and an increasing sense of disconnection.
Looking for expert tips to grow and preserve your wealth? Sign up for Building Wealth, our free, twice-weekly newsletter.
If you notice that your relationships with family members feel strained or obligatory, it may be time to reflect on the tone and content of your interactions. Are you asking questions about their lives? Are you listening without interrupting or steering the conversation back to yourself? Are you showing genuine interest in their experiences?
Creating an environment that people want to visit requires intention. It involves making space for others to feel valued, rather than just tolerated. It entails shifting from self-focused dialogue to fostering mutual connection.
Retirement isn't just financial
Many pre-retirees spend years planning for the financial aspects of retirement, but far fewer prepare for its emotional realities.
Retirement changes the rhythm of daily life, altering identity, roles and social interactions. If couples don’t communicate clearly about how they envision this next phase — how they’ll spend their time, where they’ll live and what their goals are — it can lead to frustration or disappointment.
More importantly, if couples haven’t established strong habits of emotional support and shared goals, retirement can reveal the cracks in their foundation. That’s when thoughts of divorce transform from mere frustrations into what may seem like the only escape.
What can be done?
The good news is that gray divorce is not inevitable. Emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened at any age. Here are a few ways couples can reconnect and protect their marriage in later life:
Practice active listening. Focus on hearing your partner’s perspective without preparing your response. Reflect back on what you hear to deepen understanding.
Express appreciation regularly. Small gestures of gratitude and affirmation can repair years of feeling unnoticed or taken for granted.
Seek curiosity over correction. Ask questions that invite openness and connection instead of trying to fix or argue.
Make time for shared activities. Whether traveling, volunteering or simply walking together, shared experiences can reestablish a sense of “we.”
Consider couples counseling. Many therapists specialize in later-life transitions and can offer tools for rebuilding emotional intimacy.
A legacy of connection
Ultimately, how you manage relationships in retirement shapes more than just your marriage; it influences your family legacy. Children and grandchildren observe how you relate, how you listen and how you navigate challenges. They absorb emotional patterns from you, for better or worse.
By choosing empathy, practicing emotional intelligence and creating space for others to be seen and heard, you don’t just preserve your marriage — you enhance your entire family system.
Gray divorce may be increasing, but connection, growth and renewed purpose remain attainable.
To learn more about emotionally and psychologically preparing for retirement, subscribe to my podcast at www.HowNotToRetire.com.
Related Content
- What to Expect in a Gray Divorce (and Three Steps to Prepare)
- You’re Divorcing or Lost Your Spouse: What Do You Do Financially?
- Beware of These Three Hidden Costs of Divorce
- Key to a Happy Retirement? Finding Yourself
- The Five Stages of Retirement (and How to Skip Three of Them)
Profit and prosper with the best of Kiplinger's advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and much more. Delivered daily. Enter your email in the box and click Sign Me Up.

Dr. Richard Himmer is a seasoned professional with expertise in Emotional Intelligence (EI), Clinical Hypnotherapy and Workplace Bullying prevention. He holds an MBA, a master’s degree in psychology and a PhD in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. He combines academic knowledge with practical experience. His doctoral dissertation focused on the Impact of Emotional Intelligence on Workplace Bullying, showcasing his commitment to understanding and addressing complex workplace dynamics. Dr. Himmer leverages the subconscious (EI) to facilitate internal healing, fostering healthy interpersonal relationships built on trust and respect.
-
Mortgage Rates Dip to Year-Low as Jobs Data Disappoints
With August job growth falling short of expectations, markets drive 30-year mortgage interest rates down, opening refinance and homebuying opportunities.
-
5 Multibagger Stocks With Amazing Returns in 2025
multibagger stocks Big change catalyzed by top tech disruptors often leads to big growth.
-
5 Top Tech Disruptors to Watch
multibagger stocks Big change catalyzed by top tech disruptors often leads to big growth.
-
The Seven Best-Paying Side Gigs For Retirees
If you're worried you won't have enough saved for a comfortable retirement, or that life after work will be boring, these well-paid roles could be the answer.
-
I'm 51 and My Portfolio Is Up. I'm Planning to Retire at 60 and Want to Start Moving out of Stocks. Is That Smart?
We ask financial experts for advice.
-
Gray Divorce Can Throw Your Retirement a Curveball: What to Know
If you're entering retirement and going through a divorce at the same time, you've got some work to do to shore up your long-term financial security.
-
I'm a Real Estate Investing Expert: Optional 721 UPREIT DSTs Can Be the Best of Both Worlds
Before investing in any 721 UPREIT exchange, look for one that offers a straightforward, investor-friendly exit.
-
Markets Are Quiet Ahead of Fed Day: Stock Market Today
Investors, traders and speculators appear to be on hold amid an unusually fraught Fed meeting.
-
Quiz: Do You Know What Medicare Gives You for Free?
This quiz tests your knowledge of the services that Medicare provides at no cost to you.
-
5 Multibagger Stocks With Amazing Returns in 2025
multibagger stocks As the term suggests, multibagger stocks multiply your money – gains of 1,200%, for example. Here's where to look for that kind of performance this year.