Why Gray Divorce Happens and Five Ways to Avoid It

A retired couple have a serious conversation at the island in their kitchen.

(Image credit: Getty Images)

In recent decades, a quiet but significant shift has occurred in American relationships. While overall divorce rates have declined, one demographic is defying the trend: couples over 50.

Known as gray divorce, this phenomenon indicates the rising number of older adults choosing to end their marriages later in life — and the statistics are striking. According to data from the Pew Research Center, the divorce rate for people aged 50 and older has roughly doubled since 1990. For those over 65, it has nearly tripled.

So why are so many long-term partnerships unraveling just as retirement begins? The answer isn’t simple, but it often comes down to emotional disconnection, poor communication and a lack of shared purpose in the later years.

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The end of the parenting era

For many couples, the routines of raising children, maintaining careers and managing a household can mask deeper relationship issues. These long-simmering tensions often surface once the kids leave home and work slows down.

Without the structure of daily obligations, couples are left with the question: Who are we now, together? Unfortunately, not everyone likes the answer. Retirement doesn’t feel like a new beginning when emotional intimacy has eroded over decades — it feels like being trapped with a stranger.

The role of emotional intelligence

One of the most overlooked factors in gray divorce is the role of emotional intelligence. Defined as the ability to recognize, understand and manage one’s own emotions — while also being attuned to the emotions of others — emotional intelligence is a key ingredient in long-term relationship success.

High emotional intelligence enables partners to navigate conflict, practice empathy and support each other through life’s inevitable changes. In contrast, couples who have difficulty communicating effectively, expressing appreciation or resolving disagreements often drift apart over time.

The problem arises when emotional habits become entrenched. One partner might grow critical or withdrawn, while the other may feel unheard or dismissed. Over the years, these patterns intensify, creating a silent emotional divide that becomes increasingly difficult to bridge.

Empathy and the danger of one-sided conversations

Empathy is a cornerstone of emotional intelligence, playing a vital role not only in marriage but also in relationships with adult children and grandchildren. Unfortunately, many older adults unintentionally create emotional distance by dominating conversations with complaints, unsolicited opinions or a continuous commentary on their health.

While it’s natural to want to be heard and understood, conversations centered on personal frustrations, aches or judgments often leave others feeling drained instead of connected. Over time, this can result in fewer visits, shorter phone calls and an increasing sense of disconnection.

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If you notice that your relationships with family members feel strained or obligatory, it may be time to reflect on the tone and content of your interactions. Are you asking questions about their lives? Are you listening without interrupting or steering the conversation back to yourself? Are you showing genuine interest in their experiences?

Creating an environment that people want to visit requires intention. It involves making space for others to feel valued, rather than just tolerated. It entails shifting from self-focused dialogue to fostering mutual connection.

Retirement isn't just financial

Many pre-retirees spend years planning for the financial aspects of retirement, but far fewer prepare for its emotional realities.

Retirement changes the rhythm of daily life, altering identity, roles and social interactions. If couples don’t communicate clearly about how they envision this next phase — how they’ll spend their time, where they’ll live and what their goals are — it can lead to frustration or disappointment.

More importantly, if couples haven’t established strong habits of emotional support and shared goals, retirement can reveal the cracks in their foundation. That’s when thoughts of divorce transform from mere frustrations into what may seem like the only escape.

What can be done?

The good news is that gray divorce is not inevitable. Emotional intelligence can be learned and strengthened at any age. Here are a few ways couples can reconnect and protect their marriage in later life:

Practice active listening. Focus on hearing your partner’s perspective without preparing your response. Reflect back on what you hear to deepen understanding.

Express appreciation regularly. Small gestures of gratitude and affirmation can repair years of feeling unnoticed or taken for granted.

Seek curiosity over correction. Ask questions that invite openness and connection instead of trying to fix or argue.

Make time for shared activities. Whether traveling, volunteering or simply walking together, shared experiences can reestablish a sense of “we.”

Consider couples counseling. Many therapists specialize in later-life transitions and can offer tools for rebuilding emotional intimacy.

A legacy of connection

Ultimately, how you manage relationships in retirement shapes more than just your marriage; it influences your family legacy. Children and grandchildren observe how you relate, how you listen and how you navigate challenges. They absorb emotional patterns from you, for better or worse.

By choosing empathy, practicing emotional intelligence and creating space for others to be seen and heard, you don’t just preserve your marriage — you enhance your entire family system.

Gray divorce may be increasing, but connection, growth and renewed purpose remain attainable.

To learn more about emotionally and psychologically preparing for retirement, subscribe to my podcast at www.HowNotToRetire.com.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

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Dr. Richard Himmer is a seasoned professional with expertise in Emotional Intelligence (EI), Clinical Hypnotherapy and Workplace Bullying prevention. He holds an MBA, a master’s degree in psychology and a PhD in Industrial and Organizational Psychology. He combines academic knowledge with practical experience. His doctoral dissertation focused on the Impact of Emotional Intelligence on Workplace Bullying, showcasing his commitment to understanding and addressing complex workplace dynamics. Dr. Himmer leverages the subconscious (EI) to facilitate internal healing, fostering healthy interpersonal relationships built on trust and respect.