How deeply into the daily lives of couples should family law judges venture?
That was the ultimate question from a reader in a situation that, despite “living” in divorce court for many years, I had never been asked. For anyone considering law as a career and who cares more about helping than seeing their photo on a billboard and a fat bank balance, then today’s story shows you one of the reasons why becoming a lawyer is a path to understanding the human condition.
Our story began with a phone call from “Sandrine”: “Mr. Beaver, I own an insurance brokerage, and ‘Roy’ is my top producer. His wife, ‘Pam,’ is with me right now, and we are worried. You are on speaker, and she will explain why we are calling and need your help.”
From just $107.88 $24.99 for Kiplinger Personal Finance
Be a smarter, better informed investor.
Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free Newsletters
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.
Pam said, “Roy recently began participating in triathlon competitions. He is in his late 40s, and for men in his age bracket and older, there is a much higher risk of sudden cardiac death. I want him to be here for our 11-year-old twin boys! We grew apart, are going through an amicable divorce, and I obviously need him to help support our family. Our boys are just crazy about him. Is it reasonable of me to ask a family law judge to order Roy to give up these triathlons for our sons’ sake?”
The risks of triathlons
Many studies establish that running a triathlon is a severe test of physical fitness. Even if a person is in good shape, there is a small risk of sudden cardiac death, most likely to occur in the swimming portion of the race — usually the first part of the triathlon.
The rate of death is generally agreed to be 1.74 per 100,000 competitors. While that seems like a small number, the overall figure in healthy athletes, for comparison, is 0.5 per 100,000 per year. Stated otherwise, participating in a triathlon raises the risk of death by a factor of more than 1,000.
I wondered how folks from various walks of life would view this situation and framed the question this way: “Given the small but real potential of death in participating in a triathlon, should a family law judge get involved in a parent’s participation in dangerous sporting activities?”
Only one person — a family law attorney’s paralegal — felt that the best interests of the children should encourage a judge to address a parent’s choice of sports if that activity statistically could lead to his death. She also recommended obtaining a large life insurance policy on him.
Comments from family law attorneys/judges
When I ran the question by family law attorneys and judges, their responses were almost identical. Below, I paraphrase three of them — Southern California Certified Family Law Specialists Ed Thomas and Glen Rabenn and the Honorable Scott Gordon, who retired from the Los Angeles Superior Court, spending over 17 years in family court and is now a mediator.
They said that it would be extremely unlikely for a judge to tell the father that he could not participate in a triathlon. This is particularly true if his doctor thinks it is OK, and the request is being made by his soon-to-be ex-wife. Judges will view the request as an attempt to control her former husband’s behavior.
A better case could be made for a court order that prohibits the father from smoking, drinking alcohol or doing drugs. In the right circumstances, courts will give orders prohibiting a parent from doing those things when they are around their children.
Most judges believe that, if you want to kill yourself by living an unhealthy lifestyle, it is your business and not something with which a court should be involved. Does anyone seriously think a judge has the power to order a parent to stop overeating?
Think of hockey, equestrian competitions, scuba diving, even driving a car. Courts cannot get involved in telling a parent what they can or should do unless it poses some risk of harm to the children.
My Zoom session with the family
Sandrine, Pam, Roy and, to my surprise, the boys were all in our Zoom session, which initially was filled with laughter and hugs, making me wonder why this couple wanted to divorce.
I began our discussion: “Roy, you know that everyone here is concerned about your well-being and wants you to quit these triathlons due to the small but real risk of death. A family law judge isn’t likely to tell you to stop. Frankly, I did not expect your sons to be here, but since they are 11 years old, let’s hear from them.”
“Daddy, we love you and are scared when you go to these events.” Their faces instantly transformed from smiles to fear and tears, and then they were enveloped by Roy and Pam in an embrace that left me with a lump in my throat.
“Roy,” I said, “all I ask is that you think it over.” He agreed.
The following day
Roy phoned and said, “Mr. Beaver, not only am I quitting triathlons, but Pam and I made an appointment to see a marriage counselor. Thanks so much.”
I replied, “Thank your boss, Sandrine. Our meeting was her idea.”
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
Related Content
- If It Looks Like Elder Financial Abuse, It May Be Just That
- What Not to Do if an Employee or Loved One Is Kidnapped
- Six Things Not to Do if You Want to Resolve a Conflict
- Eight Don’ts to Keep in Mind as You and Your Loved Ones Age
- Can an Employer Fire an Employee for Not Wearing Glasses?
-
The Most Tax-Friendly States for Investing in 2025 (Hint: There Are Two)State Taxes Living in one of these places could lower your 2025 investment taxes — especially if you invest in real estate.
-
Want To Retire at 55? See If You Can Answer These Five QuestionsWho said you can’t retire at 55? If you say yes to these questions, you may be on your way to an early retirement.
-
Potential Trouble for Retirees: A Wealth Adviser's Guide to the OBBB's Impact on RetirementWhile some provisions might help, others could push you into a higher tax bracket and raise your costs. Be strategic about Roth conversions, charitable donations, estate tax plans and health care expenditures.
-
One Small Step for Your Money, One Giant Leap for RetirementSaving enough for retirement can sound as daunting as walking on the moon. But what would your future look like if you took one small step toward it this year?
-
This Is What You Really Need to Know About Medicare, From a Financial ExpertHealth care costs are a significant retirement expense, and Medicare offers essential but complex coverage that requires careful planning. Here's how to navigate Medicare's various parts, enrollment periods and income-based costs.
-
How to Plan Your First International Trip After RetirementRetirement paves the way for a world of exciting (and intimidating) experiences. An overseas journey can be an ideal way to embrace this new phase of life.
-
My First $1 Million: Retired Magazine Editor, 70, Boise, IdahoEver wonder how someone who's made a million dollars or more did it? Kiplinger's My First $1 Million series uncovers the answers.
-
I'm a Financial Planner: Could Partial Retirement Be the Right Move for You?Many Americans close to retirement are questioning whether they should take the full leap into retirement or continue to work part-time.
-
From Mortgages to Taxes to Estates: How to Prepare for Falling Interest RatesAs speculation grows that the Federal Reserve will soon start lowering interest rates, now is a good time to review your financial plans for housing, estate, taxes, investing and retirement to make the most of potential changes.
-
This Is How Lottery Winners Build Lasting Legacies, From a Financial ProfessionalWinning a massive lottery jackpot, like the recent $1.4 billion Powerball, requires seeking immediate legal and financial counsel, protecting your identity and winnings and planning your legacy.
