Six Things Not to Do if You Want to Resolve a Conflict
These are common mistakes people tend to make when they’re in a disagreement. What if simply asking, ‘How can I help?’ could turn things around?
Conflict is part of life. Just ask any divorce attorney, bankruptcy lawyer or lawyer who represents employees in wrongful termination lawsuits, “What is the common denominator that brings clients to your office?” They will tell you that it is more than simply an unresolved conflict, but their clients also doing things that stand in the way of a resolution.
Harvard anthropologist and negotiation expert William Ury, author of the bestselling Getting to Yes, gives us a road map of how to approach conflict resolution in his new book, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict (coming out on February 20).
I discussed these issues with Ury and Dr. Luis Vega, social psychologist and interim dean of the School of Social Sciences & Education at California State University, Bakersfield. Here’s how not to approach a conflict at home, at work or anywhere people disagree.
Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free E-Newsletters
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.
1. Fall into the ‘three-A trap’ — attack, avoid or appease.
Ury: The best way to not resolve a conflict is to fall straight into the “three-A trap.” Either go on the attack, thinking, “I’m going to win this,” or do the opposite, which is to avoid. Or appease — just give in. But that doesn’t resolve it either, because we’re not happy, and it probably isn’t going to stay resolved for very long.
2. See the world as having only winners and losers.
Vega: An “I win, you lose” attitude robs others of their humanity and feeds the virus of bigotry and vitriol. Self-focus deprives us of the need we all have for connection and community. Conflict becomes circular — they attack us, we attack them, and we all lose. Marriage counselors see this a great deal where one partner insists on always being right and can’t find their way to compromise. The next step is obvious.
3. React out of fear and anger.
Ury: Don’t give in to your initial emotional reactions of fear and anger and then dig in, refusing to budge and thinking, “It’s them vs us.” You will destroy all trust and almost all possibility of agreement if you:
- Focus on your problem alone, not their needs.
- Just talk at people, or don’t talk with them at all.
- Cut the phone line with your neighbor as a way to deal with your differences.
- Reduce it all to a zero-sum proposition where one side wins, and the other side loses.
- Just keep pushing them to do what you want and treating them with disrespect.
- Make it harder for them in every possible way.
Also, discouraging help from anybody — “stay out of it; it’s none of your business” — won’t resolve anything.
And, if you're a third party watching this going on, you can ensure nothing works out by doing nothing. Or worse, taking sides and escalating the situation. Or getting discouraged and giving up very quickly.
4. Overly rely on intuition and experience — fail to listen or pause.
Vega: You may know yourself, the other party, even relevant stakeholders, but vigilance of your own emotions is critical. And it is tricky because of tribal impulses imbued and influenced by primal emotions processed in the lower brain. This often funnels myriad factors into negative feelings that add fuel to conflict — anger, fear, distrust, contempt and jealousy. This is why, before reaching a conclusion or speaking out, we need to pause and listen, thereby calming our reactive emotions.
5. Fail to ask, “How can I help?”
Ury: Asking an open-ended question like, “Can you help me understand what happened here? How can I help?” is an essential tool. Suddenly, in that moment, you are putting yourself on the same side as them, searching for a way to resolve the issue instead of coming in as an adversary. This simple question often changes everything.
Vega: Asking, “How can I help?” gets a reflexive, or programmed, response that creates familiarity with a task — or muscle memory. It hardly matters what the issues are: When someone says, “I need your help,” the reflexive answer is, “Sure, how can I help?” This suspends biases — for a moment — creating a focus on common interests and an opening for dialogue. It is a truly powerful tool.
6. React to sarcasm with sarcasm.
Ury: Either in a meeting or in written form, if you meet sarcasm with sarcasm, attack with counterattack, distrust with distrust, you end up getting into a fight that no one comes out winning.
When putting things in writing, ask yourself, “Who else will see my sarcastic reply?” and “Can this harm my credibility?”
So, just ignore the insults and deal with the issues — you will come out of this looking far better.
The takeaway
Possible makes readers a fly on the wall of Ury’s incredibly accomplished life. Conflict resolution, as readers see, so often comes down to one person who radiates that “we can resolve this together” attitude. It is a terrific read, and he wants the reader to become that person.
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
Related Content
Get Kiplinger Today newsletter — free
Profit and prosper with the best of Kiplinger's advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and much more. Delivered daily. Enter your email in the box and click Sign Me Up.
After attending Loyola University School of Law, H. Dennis Beaver joined California's Kern County District Attorney's Office, where he established a Consumer Fraud section. He is in the general practice of law and writes a syndicated newspaper column, "You and the Law." Through his column, he offers readers in need of down-to-earth advice his help free of charge. "I know it sounds corny, but I just love to be able to use my education and experience to help, simply to help. When a reader contacts me, it is a gift."
-
Fed Cuts Rates Again: What the Experts Are Saying
Federal Reserve The central bank continued to ease, but a new administration in Washington clouds the outlook for future policy moves.
By Dan Burrows Published
-
Arm Stock: Why One Analyst Remains Hold-Rated After Earnings Beat
Arm Holdings stock is higher Thursday after the chipmaker reported strong earnings and gave an upbeat outlook, but not everyone is bullish. Here's why.
By Joey Solitro Published
-
How Intrafamily Loans Can Bridge the Education Funding Gap
To avoid triggering federal gift taxes, a family member can lend a student money for education at IRS-set interest rates. Here's what to keep in mind.
By Denise McClain, JD, CPA Published
-
Two Consequential Tax Cases You May Not Have Heard About
The Supreme Court's decisions in these cases create uncertainty about challenging IRS regulations and guidance. Expect more litigation to follow.
By John M. Goralka Published
-
Are You an Estate Planning Procrastinator? Where to Start
Quit putting it off, because it's vital for you and your heirs. From wills and trusts to executors and taxes, here are some essential points to keep in mind.
By Alex Diaz, MBA, CFP® Published
-
Write a Book in One Day and Become a Best-Selling Author!
If that sounds like a scam, that's because it is. Online publishing scams entice wannabe authors with big promises for a big price. How to protect yourself.
By H. Dennis Beaver, Esq. Published
-
How to Sell Your Business With No Regrets
The key to a successful exit: You've got to be prepared. So, start now by maximizing profitability, planning for succession and avoiding the dreaded five D's.
By Nick Guida, Investment Adviser Representative Published
-
The Bare Necessities of Buying Pet Insurance
Pet insurance can help put you at ease over the health of your furry friends. Here's what to look for when shopping around for a policy.
By Joelle Spear, CFP® Published
-
Is It Too Late to Do a Roth Conversion if You're Retired?
The short answer is: Not at all. Roth conversions can be great tax-saving strategies … for the right people. Are you a good candidate?
By Arrin Wray Published
-
Five Options for Retirees Who No Longer Need Life Insurance
If you're retired and you've checked with your financial planner that life insurance is no longer vital, here are five ways you can turn it to your advantage.
By Evan T. Beach, CFP®, AWMA® Published