Conflict is part of life. Just ask any divorce attorney, bankruptcy lawyer or lawyer who represents employees in wrongful termination lawsuits, “What is the common denominator that brings clients to your office?” They will tell you that it is more than simply an unresolved conflict, but their clients also doing things that stand in the way of a resolution.
Harvard anthropologist and negotiation expert William Ury, author of the bestselling Getting to Yes, gives us a road map of how to approach conflict resolution in his new book, Possible: How We Survive (and Thrive) in an Age of Conflict (coming out on February 20).
I discussed these issues with Ury and Dr. Luis Vega, social psychologist and interim dean of the School of Social Sciences & Education at California State University, Bakersfield. Here’s how not to approach a conflict at home, at work or anywhere people disagree.
From just $107.88 $24.99 for Kiplinger Personal Finance
Be a smarter, better informed investor.
Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free Newsletters
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.
1. Fall into the ‘three-A trap’ — attack, avoid or appease.
Ury: The best way to not resolve a conflict is to fall straight into the “three-A trap.” Either go on the attack, thinking, “I’m going to win this,” or do the opposite, which is to avoid. Or appease — just give in. But that doesn’t resolve it either, because we’re not happy, and it probably isn’t going to stay resolved for very long.
2. See the world as having only winners and losers.
Vega: An “I win, you lose” attitude robs others of their humanity and feeds the virus of bigotry and vitriol. Self-focus deprives us of the need we all have for connection and community. Conflict becomes circular — they attack us, we attack them, and we all lose. Marriage counselors see this a great deal where one partner insists on always being right and can’t find their way to compromise. The next step is obvious.
3. React out of fear and anger.
Ury: Don’t give in to your initial emotional reactions of fear and anger and then dig in, refusing to budge and thinking, “It’s them vs us.” You will destroy all trust and almost all possibility of agreement if you:
- Focus on your problem alone, not their needs.
- Just talk at people, or don’t talk with them at all.
- Cut the phone line with your neighbor as a way to deal with your differences.
- Reduce it all to a zero-sum proposition where one side wins, and the other side loses.
- Just keep pushing them to do what you want and treating them with disrespect.
- Make it harder for them in every possible way.
Also, discouraging help from anybody — “stay out of it; it’s none of your business” — won’t resolve anything.
And, if you're a third party watching this going on, you can ensure nothing works out by doing nothing. Or worse, taking sides and escalating the situation. Or getting discouraged and giving up very quickly.
4. Overly rely on intuition and experience — fail to listen or pause.
Vega: You may know yourself, the other party, even relevant stakeholders, but vigilance of your own emotions is critical. And it is tricky because of tribal impulses imbued and influenced by primal emotions processed in the lower brain. This often funnels myriad factors into negative feelings that add fuel to conflict — anger, fear, distrust, contempt and jealousy. This is why, before reaching a conclusion or speaking out, we need to pause and listen, thereby calming our reactive emotions.
5. Fail to ask, “How can I help?”
Ury: Asking an open-ended question like, “Can you help me understand what happened here? How can I help?” is an essential tool. Suddenly, in that moment, you are putting yourself on the same side as them, searching for a way to resolve the issue instead of coming in as an adversary. This simple question often changes everything.
Vega: Asking, “How can I help?” gets a reflexive, or programmed, response that creates familiarity with a task — or muscle memory. It hardly matters what the issues are: When someone says, “I need your help,” the reflexive answer is, “Sure, how can I help?” This suspends biases — for a moment — creating a focus on common interests and an opening for dialogue. It is a truly powerful tool.
6. React to sarcasm with sarcasm.
Ury: Either in a meeting or in written form, if you meet sarcasm with sarcasm, attack with counterattack, distrust with distrust, you end up getting into a fight that no one comes out winning.
When putting things in writing, ask yourself, “Who else will see my sarcastic reply?” and “Can this harm my credibility?”
So, just ignore the insults and deal with the issues — you will come out of this looking far better.
The takeaway
Possible makes readers a fly on the wall of Ury’s incredibly accomplished life. Conflict resolution, as readers see, so often comes down to one person who radiates that “we can resolve this together” attitude. It is a terrific read, and he wants the reader to become that person.
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
Related Content
- Want to Write a Book? An Expert Shares What You Need to Know
- Is Your Neighbor's Security Camera Pointed at Your Window?
- Yes, You Can Discuss Your Salary With Your Co-Workers
- Seven Website Issues That Can Get You in Hot Water
- Eight Don’ts to Keep in Mind as You and Your Loved Ones Age
-
A Lesson From the School of Rock About the MarketsIt's hard to hold your nerve during a downturn, but next time the markets take a tumble, remember this quick rock 'n' roll tutorial and aim to stay invested.
-
I retired at 65 with $7.8 million and feel like I over-saved. My 40-something son is on the same path. Should I tell him to reconsider?We ask financial experts for advice.
-
A Lesson From the School of Rock (and a Financial Adviser) as the Markets Go Around and Around
It's hard to hold your nerve during a downturn, but next time the markets take a tumble, remember this quick rock 'n' roll tutorial and aim to stay invested.
-
I'm a Financial Pro: This Is How You Can Guide Your Heirs Through the Great Wealth TransferFocus on creating a clear estate plan, communicating your wishes early to avoid family conflict, leaving an ethical will with your values and wisdom and preparing them practically and emotionally.
-
To Reap the Full Benefits of Tax-Loss Harvesting, Consider This Investment Strategist's StepsTax-loss harvesting can offer more advantages for investors than tax relief. Over the long term, it can potentially help you maintain a robust portfolio and build wealth.
-
Social Security Wisdom From a Financial Adviser Receiving Benefits HimselfYou don't know what you don't know, and with Social Security, that can be a costly problem for retirees — one that can last a lifetime.
-
Take It From a Tax Expert: The True Measure of Your Retirement Readiness Isn't the Size of Your Nest EggA sizable nest egg is a good start, but your plan should include two to five years of basic expenses in conservative, liquid accounts as a buffer against market volatility, inflation and taxes.
-
New Opportunity Zone Rules Triple Tax Benefits for Rural Investments: Here's Your 2027 StrategyNew IRS guidance just reshaped the opportunity zone landscape for 2027. Here's what high-net-worth investors need to know about the enhanced rural benefits.
-
The OBBB Ushers in a New Era of Energy Investing: What You Need to Know About Tax Breaks and MoreThe new tax law has changed the energy investing landscape with expanded incentives and permanent tax benefits for oil and gas production.
-
Ten Ways Family Offices Can Build Resilience in a Volatile WorldFamily offices are shifting their global investment priorities and goals in the face of uncertainty, volatile markets and the influence of younger generations.
