Ready to Retire? Ask Your Spouse These 3 Questions First
Retiring soon? Keep your marriage strong by discussing these three questions with your partner before handing in your notice.
You may be ready to call it quits and start your next chapter in retirement, but is your partner ready? They may not be as eager as you to throw in the towel on their career — or, if they are already retired, they might not be ready for all that unplanned 'quality time' together.
After all, gray divorces (age 50 and over) are on the rise, accounting for close to 40% of all divorces in the U.S., and one reason is the sudden shock of all that unplanned time together.
While you may be worried about yourself — getting work done around the house, playing rounds of golf with your friends, or finally going on that bucket list trip — your partner's feelings matter too.
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"It should always start with 'am I ready,' and the follow-up question should be 'is my spouse ready,'" says Kyle Moore, founder and financial planner at Quarry Hill Advisors. The goal is to make both feelings fit into the retirement picture.
To keep harmony at home, ask your partner these three questions before picking a retirement date.
1. Are you ready to make all our financial decisions as one?
Assuming you can afford to retire and live on one income (or your retirement savings plus Social Security and any pension income you have), a big financial change when one half of a couple retires is the commingling of finances and money decisions. If the other spouse or partner is still working, it's one 401(k) saving for two, a shared Social Security claiming strategy, and a single-earner household budget.
That's why the first question to ask your partner is: Are you ready to make all our financial decisions as one? "If you're used to looking at things separately, now you have to look at them as one," says Moore. "It's a lot to coordinate."
2. Are you ready for me to be around the house all the time?
"Familiarity breeds contempt" couldn't be truer when one partner is suddenly around all the time thanks to retirement. The road is paved with tales of marriages that fell apart once the working spouse retired and had nothing but free time.
That's not the case for Ellen Kennedy and her husband, Kent Marcoux. The married couple of 26 years have been living as wife and self-appointed "house husband" for about three years, ever since Kent retired.
Ellen is still working full-time as an editor at Kiplinger, while Kent busies himself kayaking — he even got accredited as a whitewater kayak instructor — volunteering to teach veterans with Team River Runner. He also reignited his passion for music, playing in several bands and logging time at a local recording studio. He does the food shopping, laundry, taxes and pet care, freeing up Ellen to focus on work. The arrangement works for them because Kent had a retirement plan separate from Ellen. While he's home more often, it doesn't feel suffocating.
"From my perspective, it took him about two years to transition from work to this new 'house husband' life structure," says Ellen. "He surprises me with cappuccinos in the morning and often asks what my 'HH' can do for me. It's a sweet new phase to our relationship."
To emulate this happily married couple, the second question you should ask your partner is: "Are you ready for me to be around the house all the time?" Hopefully they will say yes! If not, you have some talking to do.
3. What does an average Tuesday in retirement look like?
When most people think about retiring, they romanticize those big bucket-list items — the trip to the Sahara Desert, the move to Florida, or finally buying the RV to traverse across the country. But they don't think about everyday life, how much time they will spend with their spouse, what they will do together and apart. Ignoring that could cause problems, which is why the third question is: What does an average Tuesday in retirement look like?
"One of the things people don't think about is what happens on a random Tuesday. What are my day-to-day expectations of each other?" says Moore. "Having an open conversation about that would avoid conflict."
Keep the dialogue going
Picking a retirement date isn't a one-and-done decision, especially when someone else is involved. If your partner isn't ready for you to call it quits, continue to have open and honest conversations about why.
If it's financial, devise a strategy to shore up extra cash or commit to work an extra few months or a year. If it's about boredom and personal space, make a plan for how you'll spend your time together and apart. Remember, at the end of the day, you're not just planning your retirement date; you're designing a next chapter for both of you.
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