Don't Wait for a Crisis to Have These Conversations With Your Aging Parents
While it might be uncomfortable or awkward, it's best to know exactly what they want when it comes to financial and medical decisions, as well as their future living arrangements.
For much of our lives, our parents are the ones helping us plan for the future. But as we get older, that dynamic begins to shift. At some point, adult children need to start asking parents about their future plans.
That means having conversations about how money should be managed, who's responsible for making medical decisions and what happens after our parents die.
While they can be uncomfortable, having these conversations before an unexpected illness or accident can prevent you from being forced to make difficult decisions for your parents without knowing what they truly wanted.
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Families often associate these conversations with old age, but anything can happen to anyone at any time. An accident or illness can leave an adult child responsible for important financial or medical decisions for a parent much sooner than expected.
Not knowing a parent's wishes can make the situation much more difficult to navigate.
The earlier families can begin having these discussions, the more opportunities they'll have to revisit the conversation as parents age and their wishes or circumstances change.
Figuring out how to approach this conversation can be the most difficult part. Unexpectedly asking about nursing home care, medical decisions or powers of attorney can be jarring and can make parents feel as if they're losing independence.
Instead, let them know that you'd like to have a conversation about their future and list some topics you'd like to discuss. The goal isn't to take control of the parent's affairs; it's to understand how they want things handled if someone needs to step in on their behalf.
It's also important to consider the environment in which you have these conversations. Discussing sensitive financial or medical information during a private conversation at home will likely feel very different from a public restaurant.
Schedule a day, time and location that works for everyone, giving all family members a chance to prepare.
When it's time to have the conversation, the main focus should be understanding what a parent wants if you, a sibling or another family member has to act on their behalf.
Start with finances
Begin by asking how their finances should be handled if a parent can no longer manage them. Who would they like to step in on their behalf if they become incapacitated?
In addition to designating a financial power of attorney, adult children should also understand the parent's financial philosophy. Ask what expenses should be prioritized, how investments should be handled and how money should be managed on their behalf.
Make a medical plan
A medical power of attorney will identify the person making decisions on a parent's behalf. They need to understand the values behind those decisions.
Parents should also clearly define what quality of life looks like for them. How do they feel about life-prolonging treatment? Do they have a DNR (do not resuscitate order) in place?
Discuss long-term care
Parents should also discuss what they'd like to have happen if they can no longer care for themselves. Would they prefer to receive in-home care, or move into an assisted living or nursing facility? How would it be paid?
Knowing these preferences ahead of time can help adult children make decisions that align with their parents' wishes rather than having to guess.
Settling the estate
Finally, families should discuss what should happen after a parent passes. Who will inherit financial assets and property? How sentimental belongings should be transferred? Talking about this ahead of time gives everyone a better understanding of what to expect, potentially reducing disagreements later.
Adult children should also ask if these wishes have been legally documented in an estate plan. If parents have an estate plan in place, family members need to know where those documents can be found. If they don't, this conversation is the perfect time to help them set one up.
Final thoughts
Conversations about aging, illness and death might never feel comfortable, especially when they require the dynamics between parents and adult children to change. But knowing what a parent wants can make all the difference when difficult decisions need to be made.
Starting the conversation now gives families as much time as possible to understand those wishes, put the appropriate plans in place and update them as life changes.
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