You may have looked forward to a romantic evening in which your partner showers you with roses and chocolate while declaring their undying love and fidelity. But as the roses wilt and the chocolates melt, something may be lurking behind all of the bluster about fidelity.
Financial infidelity is phenomena that can occur when one partner in a relationship hides or lies about financial matters, such as spending, debt, income or investments. Secrets can be damaging, eroding trust and creating significant tension between partners, and can have a lasting impact.
You may be guilty of financial infidelity and not even be aware of it, or think it’s not a big deal.
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What does financial infidelity look like?
Take a look at this list — are you doing any of these things that could be considered financial infidelity?:
Hiding purchases. One partner may conceal spending, such as making purchases often to avoid “the fight” or judgment.
- A look in the mirror: This may seem innocent, but have you ever said to one of your kids, “I’ll buy this for you, but don’t tell your father (or mother).” (The message that this sends to your kids is a discussion for later.)
Neale is a financial voice for women and a pioneer for the topic of "kids and money." Neale is a No. 1 New York Times bestselling author. Neale started her journey with The Chase Manhattan Bank, joining as one of the first female executives, and later became president of The First Women's Bank and founder of The First Children's Bank. In 1989, Neale formed the Children's Financial Network Inc. with the mission of educating children and their parents about money. Neale has also appeared as an expert on The Oprah Winfrey Show and Good Morning America.
Concealing debt. A partner may fail to disclose debt, such as credit card balances or loans to friends or family, which could place a financial burden on the other partner later.
- A look in the mirror: Do you have any debt that your partner doesn’t know about, or perhaps a credit card they don’t know you have?
Insurance. One partner may have an insurance policy that the other is unaware of, and that means only the owner of the policy is able to change the beneficiary.
- A look in the mirror: Have you changed the beneficiary on your insurance without letting your partner know?
Secret savings or investments. One person may set aside money in secret accounts or make investments without the other partner’s knowledge, potentially depriving the relationship of shared financial planning.
- A look in the mirror: Maybe you’ve thought of that money as “yours,” and you don’t want your partner to know about it.
Lying about income. A partner may downplay or exaggerate their income, leading to misaligned financial expectations or misunderstandings.
- A look in the mirror: Maybe you think of income as “life’s report card” and are embarrassed to really say what you earn. Or you may earn so much more than your partner that you don’t want them to feel ashamed of their income.
Unfortunately, if you see yourself in the financial infidelity mirror, you are not alone. Forbes Advisor commissioned a study via Prolific that found that 38% of adults had lied to their partners about money. And 54% said that lying about finances was the same as other types of infidelity.
The impact of financial infidelity
The effects of financial infidelity can be far-reaching, not only affecting the couple’s financial situation but also eroding the foundation of the relationship itself. Here’s how:
- Loss of trust. Trust is the bedrock of any relationship, and financial betrayal can be as damaging as emotional or physical infidelity. When one partner lies about or hides financial details, it can lead to feelings of betrayal, resentment and insecurity. The breach of trust can be difficult to rebuild, and often, it leads to the dissolution of the relationship. This is why so many divorces are based on money issues.
- Emotional stress. Constant worry about finances, especially when one partner is unaware of the other’s financial secrets, can lead to significant emotional stress. One person may feel betrayed, anxious or humiliated, while the other may feel guilty or defensive.
- Financial consequences. Financial infidelity often leads to serious financial problems for the couple. If one partner hides debts or mismanages money, it could result in unexpected financial crises, such as bankruptcy or severe credit damage. This can affect both individuals' credit scores, future loan eligibility and overall financial stability.
How did we get here?
Financial infidelity doesn’t typically happen overnight — it’s often the result of deeper issues within the relationship. Some of the common causes include:
- Differing attitudes toward money. Couples often have different beliefs and values when it comes to money. One partner may be more of a saver, being frugal, while the other might be more of a spender, being carefree. This difference can lead to secrecy and a lack of communication and, therefore, judgment.
- Personal financial struggles. In some cases, financial infidelity is driven by personal financial problems, such as gambling, addiction or poor financial decision-making. Instead of seeking help or support, the person may hide their financial issues to avoid shame.
- Lack of financial education. Some individuals may engage in financial infidelity due to a lack of understanding of money management or budgeting. They may make decisions that are not aligned with their partner’s expectations, leading to secrecy to avoid conflict.
Preventing and addressing financial infidelity
To protect relationships from the harmful effects of financial infidelity, both partners need to prioritize open and honest communication about money. I’m not saying that before the first kiss, you should say, “So, what is your FICO score?” I’m just saying that you need to be as comfortable with every part of your relationship, and money is a big part of it.
Here are some strategies to prevent and address financial dishonesty:
- Practice real transparency. Have the “money talk” way before the move-in date. “Transparency” means spilling your guts about all of your assets, liabilities, income, trusts, insurance and any financial skeletons that may fall out of the closet, such as bankruptcies.
- Establish clear financial goals. Create a shared vision of your financial lives together, with goals such as saving for a home, having kids, going on vacation, saving for retirement, etc. Put a price tag next to each goal.
- Create a budget. A clear and mutually agreed-upon budget can help both partners stay on the same page about income, expenses and savings. Review this twice a year, and that will make it harder for one partner to take part in any “funny business.”
- Foster open communication. Make sure that you are both involved in all things money, including taking turns paying the bills. Share your FICO scores. Ensure you both know all of the financial people in your life and that you both are meeting with them on a quarterly basis.
Open communication, trust and shared financial goals form the foundation of a healthy partnership. By addressing financial matters honestly and proactively, couples can strengthen their financial security and emotional bond, ensuring that financial infidelity doesn’t drive a wedge between them — and that Valentine’s Day can be about roses and chocolate.
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