The Most Dangerous Words for Married Women: 'He Handles It'

Cheerful mature couple paying for dinner in restaurant with credit card — (Image credit: Getty Images)

There is a line I hear from women constantly, and it usually sounds harmless at first.

"Oh, he handles all that."

The investments, taxes, retirement accounts, loans, insurance policies, passwords…

From just $107.88 $24.99 for Kiplinger Personal Finance

Become a smarter, better informed investor. Subscribe from just ~~$107.88~~ $24.99, plus get up to 4 Special Issues

CLICK FOR FREE ISSUE

https://cdn.mos.cms.futurecdn.net/flexiimages/y99mlvgqmn1763972420.png

Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free Newsletters

Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.

Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.

"He handles it."

And honestly? I understand how it happens.

Life gets busy. Careers take off. Kids need rides. Aging parents need help. One person in the relationship naturally gravitates toward financial management, and the other slowly steps away from the details.

It feels efficient. Logical, even. Until life changes.

About Adviser Intel

The author of this article is a participant in Kiplinger's Adviser Intel program, a curated network of trusted financial professionals who share expert insights on wealth building and preservation. Contributors, including fiduciary financial planners, wealth managers, CEOs and attorneys, provide actionable advice about retirement planning, estate planning, tax strategies and more. Experts are invited to contribute and do not pay to be included, so you can trust their advice is honest and valuable.

Lately, this conversation has exploded again because of Belle Burden's bestselling memoir, Strangers. The book struck a nerve with women everywhere because underneath the divorce story is something much bigger: What happens when a smart, accomplished woman slowly disconnects from her own financial life.

Let's be clear: This is not about blaming women.

Some of the smartest, most successful women I know fall into this dynamic. Lawyers, executives, entrepreneurs, physicians. Women with graduate degrees and thriving careers.

This is not an intelligence issue. It is a participation issue.

As a financial adviser and Certified Divorce Financial Analyst (CDFA), I have watched too many women discover, during divorce, widowhood or financial crisis, that they do not fully understand what they own, what they owe or even how their accounts are structured.

That realization is terrifying.

The good news is that you can take the reins at any moment. You do not need to become a tax attorney overnight. You do not need to memorize investment jargon or start day-trading stocks.

You simply need to start participating.

Here are five financial truths every married woman should know.

1. Know your numbers

Every account. Every debt. Every insurance policy. Every password.

I cannot tell you how many times I have sat across from someone who did not know how much was in the retirement accounts, whose name was on the brokerage account or where the life insurance policies were located.

Most of the time, people assume everything is fine.

And often, it is. Until it is not.

Set aside one evening this month and create a complete financial inventory:

Bank accounts
Retirement accounts
Credit cards
Mortgage balances
Insurance policies
Estate documents
Beneficiary designations
Advisers' contact information

Store it somewhere secure.

This is not about distrust. It is about awareness.

Knowing your finances does not make you cynical. It makes you an adult participant in your own life.

2. Keep your own financial identity

This one especially affects women who step away from the workforce to raise children or care for family members.

Over time, many women slowly lose their independent financial footprint. Their credit history weakens. Their income history disappears. Accounts shift into joint ownership.

Then suddenly, after divorce or widowhood, they try to apply for a mortgage or credit card on their own and are treated like they have no financial history at all.

It is one of the most demoralizing things I see.

And have felt.

It happened to me. I had no credit after my divorce. Miraculously, I managed to get an Express credit card from the women's clothing store. So, I bought one shirt. And then I paid it off. Then I bought two shirts and paid them off. And so on. It took a minute, but I built my credit back.

Keep at least one credit card in your own name. Use it responsibly. Monitor your credit score regularly.

And understand this: Unpaid caregiving labor absolutely has value. Raising children and supporting a household are enormous contributions.

Unfortunately, the financial system does not always recognize this invisible labor, so you need to protect your own paper trail.

3. Understand what you own and how you own it

This is where people's eyes usually glaze over, but this issue can cost families hundreds of thousands of dollars.

How an asset is titled matters enormously.

Inherited money, trust assets and family property can lose their protected status if they are commingled improperly or retitled jointly.

For example, depositing inherited funds into a joint account or adding a spouse's name to inherited property can unintentionally transform separate property into marital property, depending on state law

Many women are shocked to learn this after the fact.

Before adding anyone's name to major assets, speak with a financial adviser, CPA or family law attorney. Five minutes of planning upfront can save years of legal and emotional pain later.

4. Have money conversations early

Nobody wants to discuss finances before marriage. It feels awkward and unromantic. But avoiding money conversations does not eliminate financial problems. It simply delays them.

Financial secrecy is one of the biggest sources of stress I see in relationships. Couples need to discuss:

Debt
Spending habits
Credit scores
Financial goals
Investment philosophies
Expectations around work and caregiving

Prenuptial agreements are not always about expecting divorce. Sometimes they are simply about transparency and clarity.

And if you are already married, it is not too late. Have regular "money dates." Talk openly about finances before problems arise. (I have a takeaway on my site to help start the conversations.)

5. Build your financial team before you need one

Too many women only seek financial help in a crisis. By then, emotions are high, options may be limited, and costly mistakes may already have happened.

Every woman should have access to:

A financial adviser
A CPA or tax professional
An estate planning attorney

During divorce or major life transitions, a CDFA can be invaluable in helping analyze long-term financial implications.

Most importantly, understand this: Financial independence is not about preparing for divorce.

It is about confidence.

It is about knowing that no matter what life throws at you — career changes, caregiving, widowhood, reinvention or unexpected loss — you can sit at the table and fully understand the conversation.

That changes everything.

Because the women I worry about most are not necessarily the women without money. They are the women who are not paying attention to the money they already have.

And that is a problem we can fix.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

TOPICS

Tracy Byrnes is Vice President, Women and Investing, at Lebenthal Global Advisors, where she leads the firm's efforts to support and advise women investors and high-net-worth families. A former financial advisor at UBS, Ms. Byrnes previously spent nearly a decade as an anchor and reporter at FOX Business Network. She began her career as a senior accountant at Ernst & Young and holds an economics degree from Lehigh University and an MBA in accounting from Rutgers University.