I'm a Divorced Adviser: This Is How I Break Down Divorce for Clients

A serious-looking woman in a coffee shop contemplates taking off her wedding ring.

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Editor's note: This is the first article in a three-part series about the three stages of divorce. The second article will look at stage two: the negotiation.

In terms of stressful life events, divorce ranks right up there with losing a loved one, moving, or losing a job. It makes sense — divorce brings a tidal wave of change all at once: emotional ups and downs, financial questions, shifts in daily routines.

Trust me, I know. I divorced almost 20 years ago, and it flipped my world upside down.

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It's overwhelming. So, you have to take a breath, take it one step at a time and approach the process in bite-sized pieces.

Divorce in three stages

While I have never trained for a marathon, my daughters have. But they didn't run the 26.2 miles the day they signed up. They started with shorter runs, adjusted their lifestyle and built strength and confidence over time.

The same concept applies here. I've worked with many clients going through divorce, and I always encourage a calm, steady approach.

So, if you're considering it, try thinking of the process in three stages:

The decision
The negotiation
The finalization

Focusing on one stage at a time can make the entire journey feel a lot more manageable — and a lot less scary.

Stage One: The Decision

Let's start at the beginning, with the decision stage. You've decided to get a divorce.

Here are five things to do now:

1. Understand your household finances

Divorce is a major financial adjustment, especially if one spouse is the primary breadwinner.

Before you begin the separation process, you need to get a complete understanding of your spending habits — not just the big stuff, such as the mortgage, car payments and utilities, but everything, down to what you spend at the local coffee shop.

I suggest using one credit card for an entire month to track every penny.

2. Gather all financial records

Beyond what you spend, you need to get an accurate record of your financial picture, including earnings, debts and equity.

This will require you to gather everything from tax returns and W-2s to checking and savings statements, retirement and investment accounts, student loan statements, and even the equity in your home (go to Zillow or another listing site to calculate its value).

Be sure to account for things like bonuses and stock options, which may be separate from your or your spouse's regular salary.

As the divorce process can be contentious, I recommend that my clients take regular (even daily) pictures of their accounts and credit card bills.

You'll want to monitor your accounts for big changes — money being moved out of an account or any large purchases — as these are red flags that the court will need to know about.

3. Evaluate your personal financial independence

All divorces are stressful, but even more so if one spouse hasn't worked for many years. You'll need to think hard about what a divorce will do to you financially. What does your own budget look like? Do you plan to sell the home and immediately buy another one?

I often caution clients not to jump into buying a new home right after a divorce, especially with the current housing market and interest rate environment.

Divorce is a major life change, and buying a new home by yourself can compound an already stressful situation.

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There is nothing wrong with renting for a year or two so you can take a breath and reassess your life and priorities.

Plus, when a pipe bursts, you can call the landlord and have them deal with it.

4. Consider your children's expenses

If your divorce involves minor children, you'll want to think about their costs, too.

Education, including college, extracurricular activities and medical bills should all be considered. And don't forget the cost of all those school trips and birthday parties.

How this will be paid will be hashed out later, ideally as a percentage for each person, but get a good handle now on how much your little ones cost you daily.

5. Begin consulting with attorneys and advisers

It's time to start assembling your support team — mainly your attorney or mediator and other trusted advisers. Most attorneys will require an upfront retainer, so it's important to think about how you'll cover that cost.

Reach out to friends or family for referrals to help you find someone who's a good fit.

This is also the time to connect with your financial adviser. Unlike attorneys, advisers typically don't charge by the hour, and they can be incredibly helpful during this phase.

Not only can they guide you through the financial side of things, but they can also help you gather important documents and details about your joint assets — things you may not have quick access to on your own.

Weighing the cost of divorce

Divorce can certainly be stressful — and yes, it can be expensive. But if you talk to anyone who's been through it, they'll probably tell you it was worth every penny.

Because in the end, staying stuck in a life that doesn't feel right can cost you so much more — emotionally, mentally and financially.

So, move thoughtfully and purposefully through the process — not just for yourself, but also for your spouse and your family.

You're setting the stage for the next stage of your life. And that deserves to be done with clarity, respect and intention.

Next up: the negotiation.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

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Tracy Byrnes is Vice President, Women and Investing, at Lebenthal Global Advisors, where she leads the firm's efforts to support and advise women investors and high-net-worth families. A former financial advisor at UBS, Ms. Byrnes previously spent nearly a decade as an anchor and reporter at FOX Business Network. She began her career as a senior accountant at Ernst & Young and holds an economics degree from Lehigh University and an MBA in accounting from Rutgers University.