One thing I learned when writing about gray divorce is that money is often a factor in later-in-life divorces, but not always how you would expect. Even though women may take a big hit money-wise when they leave a long-term marriage, they sometimes file for divorce anyway because they chafe under the financial control of their spouse.
Financial control is one of a number of money hot spots that flare up between couples. That’s because when it comes to money, opposites often attract. One of you may be a saver while the other is a spender. One of you tracks your cash with bean-counter zeal while the other can’t be bothered even to look at the bank or credit card statements.
Frequently, the root of the problem is a reluctance to talk about money, and sometimes even a temptation to lie about it. In a recent survey by Forbes Advisor on the topic of financial infidelity, 38% of those interviewed admitted to lying to a partner about finances.
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With money being such a difficult topic to address, couples can benefit from practical strategies to help defuse common financial flash points.
Marching to different drummers. Don’t assume that your spouse or partner has the same goals you do. You may want to buy a house while he has his eye on a new car.
Get your dreams out in the open and be ready to compromise. He may have to settle for a less-expensive car, and you may have to resign yourself to renting an apartment for a few more years.
Spending too much — or too little. Look at the numbers to see whether you’re on track to achieve your goals. Once you see where you stand, the spender may be convinced that you need to beef up your savings, or the saver may feel more comfortable about spending more.
Another solution: Each of you gets a slush fund to spend as you wish. Or you could agree that on purchases above a certain amount — say, $500 — you’ll consult with each other first.
Passing the buck. Even with two spenders, one partner generally ends up keeping the books. That can make the bookkeeper feel frustrated about being stuck with a thankless task or the other spouse resentful about being controlled or left out of the loop.
Sometimes the solution is as simple as taking turns paying the bills — or at least having regular conversations so both of you know what’s going on. If all else fails, you can always hire a bookkeeper.
Taking risk — or not. Investing doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. To control an impulsive investor, set a limit on how much he or she can risk — say, 10% of your assets.
If you’re leery about moving beyond the safety of a bank account, start with a total-stock-market fund, such as Vanguard Total Stock Market Index (symbol VTSAX), that spreads your risk among thousands of companies. (The symbol for the exchange-traded version is VTI.)
Joint or separate accounts? There’s no right or wrong answer, just the one that both of you can agree on. With young people marrying at later ages — and managing their own money in the meantime — it often makes sense to start out by maintaining individual accounts and pooling money for household expenses.
But if your marriage develops into a strong relationship, you may feel comfortable combining your resources. The key to avoiding financial blowups is to play to your respective strengths and compensate for each other’s weaknesses.
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