Love and Legacy: What Couples Rarely Talk About (But Should)

A young couple talk seriously while sitting on their sofa.

Financial conflict isn't a guarantee of marital dissatisfaction, but when it's pervasive and goes unresolved, it can be a limiting factor in a relationship's growth.

Effective money management and conflict resolution are a winning combination for financial intimacy, according to a 2023 study published in the Journal of Family and Economic Issues.

The power of a shared future

It's likely you already have a vision of what your ideal retirement will look like, and maybe you've already taken some steps to get to that retirement eventually. But what does your partner's ideal retirement look like? In their mind, they might envision buying an acreage full of rescue dogs.

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If your ideal retirement looks more like a condo in a downtown high-rise building, there needs to be an open conversation and some compromise between you and your partner.

About Adviser Intel

The author of this article is a participant in Kiplinger's Adviser Intel program, a curated network of trusted financial professionals who share expert insights on wealth building and preservation. Contributors, including fiduciary financial planners, wealth managers, CEOs and attorneys, provide actionable advice about retirement planning, estate planning, tax strategies and more. Experts are invited to contribute and do not pay to be included, so you can trust their advice is honest and valuable.

It's far easier to plan for the future when partners have a shared vision and both agree to work toward that vision. When the vision is agreed upon, every financial decision forward should be approached by asking, "Does this bring us closer to our shared future?"

You may discover that you have different retirement timelines in mind, with one of you assuming you'll retire as early as possible, while the other person assumes you'll both capitalize on your working years to build up more retirement savings for as long as possible.

Have a frank conversation with your partner that starts with the question, "What does the next 10 years look like for both of us?" From there, explore further into the future to discover a shared goal that you can work toward together.

Financially equal vs emotionally unequal

Many couples fall into a pattern where one person manages the money while the other person doesn't get involved with the finances. While this isn't always a control tactic and more frequently is simply a matter of one person being "better with money" than the other, it can be a dangerous situation.

It's difficult to have a successful financial partnership when only one person is aware of what's going on with the finances. And when only one person is managing the money, yet is unaware of the other person's desires for the future, it becomes a breeding ground for issues.

If one person enjoys managing the finances while the other person detests money management, it's fine for one person to take the lead as long as:

Both people agree with the arrangement
Both people are aware of what's going on with their shared finances
Both people have discussed their shared goals and agree on the steps they'll take to reach those goals

Transparency and communication are keys to successful relationships, especially when it comes to finances. Have an open and honest conversation with your partner about where your finances stand today, where you want them to be and how you can both be involved in managing the finances going forward.

Supporting adult kids without sacrifice

If you've ever traveled on an airplane, you know that you're advised to put your own oxygen mask before helping your child with theirs. It's the same with helping your kids financially — you need to help yourself before you can help them.

Helping kids with college costs, wedding expenses, the down payment for a house or any other expenses may feel like the right thing to do, but when it cuts into your retirement savings, it can be detrimental to everyone.

If you head into retirement without sufficient savings courtesy of your generosity toward your kids, it may result in your kids needing to chip in to keep you afloat.

Instead, come to an agreement with your partner as to what level of support you'll provide your kids. Both partners should agree about the level of support you'll provide and whether it's a gift or a loan with the expectation of repayment.

Supporting kids (or compelling them to stand on their own two feet) can be an emotionally charged conversation for parents. Prepare to have a rational and open conversation with your partner so you can come to an agreement long before your kids start asking for financial help.

Set the precedent early so your kids know what to expect, too. A young adult preparing to apply to college will likely approach opening that next chapter very differently depending on whether their parents are financing their education or they are expected to pay their own way.

For that reason, both parents should be on the same page and should have open communication not just with each other, but with their child as well.

The legacy talk you're avoiding

Talking about wills, trusts and beneficiary designations may feel like the furthest thing from romance, but the truth is that these important discussions are a necessary part of living life together. Though talking about estate planning can be uncomfortable, avoiding the topic can lead to chaos.

Beyond the avoidance of chaos are the myriad benefits that can come with proper estate planning. Potentially reducing tax obligations and preparing a seamless transition of assets can be a love letter in disguise. It's a way of demonstrating care even after you're gone.

It boils down to giving one another the gift of clarity. Death is inevitable and brings with it complicated feelings. The emotional turmoil that comes with losing a loved one is exponentially worse when it's accompanied by the stress that accompanies uncertainty and confusion about how to deal with finances that were never discussed.

Open communication and mutual respect can go a long way in any relationship, especially when it comes to finances.

Work together as a team to determine your mutual goals and the pathway toward reaching and exceeding those goals for a joyful relationship long into the future.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

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Lawrence "Larry" Sprung, CFP®, CEPA®, is a husband, father, entrepreneur, award-winning adviser, author and mental health advocate. He is reshaping personal finance by fostering JOYful conversations around money. Larry founded Mitlin Financial, Inc., in 2004 with a focus on prioritizing the families they serve. The Mitlin name illustrates their culture as the firm is named in memory of Larry's wife's grandfather, Mitchell, and his mother, Linda.