5 Steps to Prevent an Inheritance From Fracturing Your Family
Conflict among adult children over their parents' estate is all too common — and Mom and Dad’s worst nightmare. Here's how to ensure the kids won’t fight after you’re gone.
Everyone's heard a horror story.
The adult children who no longer speak to each other after a blow-up over who would get Mom's engagement ring when she died. The constant arguments between siblings over the family vacation house they jointly inherited. The simmering resentment between adult kids after a parent's will revealed an uneven split of assets among them — tension that eventually boiled over, causing the siblings to sever their relationship and cut off their children, once-close cousins, from seeing each other as well.
These are heartbreaking scenarios that many parents worry about and try to avoid in their estate planning. And many adult children share their concern: One-third of adult kids expect an inheritance to create conflict with their siblings, according to a national survey commissioned by Kiplinger and conducted by the research firm Morning Consult.
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Studies, unfortunately, show their concern is justified. Research from Cornell University indicates that among the 27% of Americans who are estranged from a family member, disputes over an inheritance are a leading trigger and frequently involve siblings.
Similarly, an Ameriprise study found that when adult siblings report money conflicts, nearly 70% of those arguments involve their parents, and inheritance was the top cause of those disputes.
Inheritance conflicts are rarely only or even primarily about money, experts say. "Sibling disputes over estates and wills almost always surface in the context of older, unresolved grievances, typically about parental favoritism and unequal treatment, so money becomes a scorecard for perceived favoritism or slights over a lifetime," says Karl Pillemer, a professor of human development at Cornell University and author of Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them.
Adding fuel to the fire: The transfer of a parent’s assets occurs at a time of grief, when emotions are already running high. And in many families, there has been no prior conversation about how Mom and Dad intend to pass on their wealth, so adult children are forced to draw their own conclusions — and they often fill in the blanks with negative implications, experts say.
"Grief mixed with urgency and ambiguity is a tough combination," says Elisa Shevlin Rizzo, head of family advisory at J.P. Morgan Private Bank.
The amounts at stake rarely matter. "Disputes can happen when the only assets involved are Mom’s china and jewelry, and they can happen when there’s millions of dollars at stake," says Monique Lavender Greenberg, managing partner of the law firm Lavender Greenberg in Miami and a board director of the National Association of Estate Planners & Councils.
"No one wants their legacy to be that their kids end up hating each other. We want our families to continue to love each other, but that takes thought and planning."
Want to ensure your wealth passes as you intend and your children are still speaking to each other after you’re gone? Experts suggest these steps.
Figure out what's truly fair.
The default for most parents is to split the assets they’re leaving to the kids equally. But many adult children don’t feel that’s a fair division.
In the Kiplinger-Morning Consult survey, for instance, 71% of parents said they intend to leave the same amount to each of their kids, but just 50% of adult children preferred that approach. That 21-point gap was filled by siblings who believe Mom and Dad should base inheritance decisions on each child’s financial situation and need, or on factors such as how much financial help parents have given each child in the past and how much the kids assisted their mother and father during their lifetimes.
"Equal means the same for everyone, while fair means each person gets what they deserve or need," says Pillemer. "Sometimes those two norms pull in opposite directions inside families."
Both perspectives are valid. "An even split is completely understandable if you’re a parent who wants to avoid inserting a new conflict into the sibling dynamic and to communicate that you love all your children equally," says Matthew Willner, a therapist who specializes in family conflict and estrangement, including adult sibling conflicts and inheritance disputes.
"But if one child has been struggling financially for years, an even split can feel emotionally like their needs don’t matter or aren’t recognized. And if you’re, say, a daughter who has been a caregiver for Mom or Dad for several years and there’s an even split, it can read to you as if everything you did counted for nothing."
On the other hand, an unequal division, especially if it’s unexplained, can be even more hurtful and trigger long-lasting rivalries and tensions between siblings.
"If I’m the child who received less and I already feel like my mom and dad loved my brother more, that’s going to be a real hard nut to swallow, even if they helped me more financially when they were alive," says Rizzo. "Even if I’m a hedge-fund manager and my brother works at a nonprofit making $40,000 a year, getting less is hard emotionally — even if I know intellectually it makes sense."
There is typically no right or wrong decision on splitting assets, experts say, and parents are entitled to pass down their wealth however they see fit. What’s imperative, though, is that you’re thoughtful about your process and choices, and then, crucially, that you inform your children of your decision and explain your reasoning.
It’s the element of surprise that can do the greatest damage, experts say.
"The very thing that would prevent sibling conflicts or at least lower their temperature — having an honest conversation about how parents have decided to pass on wealth and why — is the step many families skip because it can be uncomfortable and bring up old wounds no one wants to deal with," says Willner.
He suggests talking to all of the children together, if possible, as that lessens the possibility of one sibling accusing another of manipulating or pressuring their parents, especially if you’ve decided on an uneven split. It also gives the kids a chance to voice their emotions and concerns; feeling heard can make it easier to accept the parents’ decision.
"If the children know what’s going to happen and why, they typically suck it up and honor your wishes," says Greenberg. "And if the kids are going to be mad, they’ll be mad at Mom and Dad, not each other."
You can also pursue ways to reward an adult child who has helped out a lot, provide more to one who needs extra financial help, or balance the scales on past financial gifts to another that avoid a hurtful uneven division of assets in your will. You might, for example, make a caregiver child the beneficiary of a small life insurance policy or give more money during your lifetime to the child working at the nonprofit than to the one who is a hedge-fund manager.
The important thing is that none of your plans live in the dark. Says Sharon Olson, managing principal of Olson Wealth Group, "We spend enormous amounts of time preparing the money for the children. We need to spend just as much time preparing the children for the money."
Read more: Why Leaving an Equal Inheritance to Your Children Could Backfire
Take particular care with tricky assets.
Ironically, the part of your estate that’s least likely to trigger a blow-up among your kids may be your most valuable holdings, in dollar terms: Cash savings and liquid investments, such as stocks, bonds and funds. Far more fraught are assets that can’t be easily or neatly divided, such as a parent’s home, a vacation property or a family business.
Take the family lake house, for example — an asset with both monetary and sentimental value, perhaps tied to happy memories of summers together by the water. Maybe the siblings want to keep it in the family and share it, but one cannot afford the upkeep. Or maybe one sibling prefers to sell, but the other siblings don’t have the cash to buy them out.
"Parents often leave property to their children and say, ‘They’ll figure it out when I’m gone,’" says Rizzo. "That’s one of the most damaging attitudes out there. If you want to set your kids up for future conflict, let them figure it out when you’re gone."
A family business can be especially problematic, particularly if one or more siblings had jobs at the company and others didn’t. "The daughter who worked there for 25 years may say, ‘I helped Dad build this business and I deserve it.’ Her brother may say, ‘I understand that, but he was my father too, and I also deserve a share.’ Both can be right," says Olson.
To head off trouble, she suggests parents identify potentially thorny assets and establish valuation and buyout provisions as part of estate planning. If multiple children will own a vacation home, determine how expenses, property use and eventual sale will work. "Don’t leave the children a complicated asset and unanswered questions," Olson says.
Grief mixed with urgency and ambiguity is a tough combination.
To the extent that you can, solve potential problems in advance. You might, for example, put the house in Nantucket in a trust with enough financial assets to cover the expenses, if the estate can afford it, Rizzo suggests.
Or, if an estate lacks cash, buying life insurance might be helpful. That way the child who wants the beach house gets it, or the family business passes to the kid who works there, and the other child is the beneficiary of the insurance policy and receives an asset of comparable value, says Carly Doshi, head of family advisory planning and trust services at Flagstar Bank and chair of the New York branch of the Society of Trust and Estate Practitioners.
Be careful to communicate your intentions, including for any accounts you own jointly with one of your children, to all of your offspring, experts say.
For example, you may have a joint checking account with right of survivorship with a son or daughter who helps you with bill-paying, and that will pass directly to them upon your death. If that’s what you want — say, to compensate that child for their help — let all of the kids know the plan. Or, if not, let them know you intend for that money to be split among them after you’re gone, document your wishes in writing in a letter of instruction, and consider retitling the account.
"One of the greatest gifts a parent can leave their children is clarity," says Doshi. "A thoughtful estate plan is really about removing as many reasons for conflict as possible."
Read more: What Happens to Your Savings Account When You Die?
Sweat the small stuff.
For one family, it was the red plate with hearts on it that said "You’re special," which Mom used to serve birthday cake for each child growing up. For another, it was a 25-cent Christmas ornament.
In yet another case, it was a piece of art, promised by the father to one kid and by the mother to another. Then there was the daughter-in-law found racing through the parents’ home after the funeral, switching masking-tape labels attached to various cherished items indicating which sibling was supposed to get what.
Estate and wealth-management experts are filled with stories of personal possessions, sometimes valuable but often not, that triggered big fights among siblings after a parent’s death, sometimes resulting in a permanent rift.
"Objects are often more contentious than money — not just because it’s hard to divide a holiday ornament or a plate, but because those kinds of items hold more memories and meaning for people," says Sara Croymans, an educator with the University of Minnesota Extension who helps facilitate its Who Gets Grandma’s Yellow Pie Plate? program, which teaches research-based practical strategies for passing on personal possessions.
Croymans suggests parents take a poll of their adult children to find out what items they’re interested in and why. Don’t just assume, for instance, that a son should get the tools and a daughter her mom’s jewelry, she says. Parents should also share their views and plans for dividing possessions and the stories behind items that are particularly meaningful to them. That, in turn, might affect the kids’ preferences.
If more than one child wants the same item or items, try to land on a system together that feels fair for deciding who gets them, perhaps coming up with similar items that can be considered in tandem. Croymans recalls three sisters who had shared a baptismal gown, and each one wanted it for her own kids. The siblings averted an argument by identifying a confirmation gown and their mother’s wedding dress as things of similar emotional value, and each sister ended up with a garment that was meaningful to her.
"Research has found that if people buy into the process and believe it’s fair, they’ll support the outcome, even if they didn’t get the specific thing they wanted," says Croymans.
Experts recommend documenting your plan for personal possessions, naming names and specific objects, in a letter of instruction you keep with other estate-plan documents. Although the document is not legally binding, experts say it carries the weight of moral authority, and most siblings honor their parents’ plans.
Read more: The Great Junk Transfer: Why Heirs Want Meaning, Not More Stuff
Avoid the oldest-child syndrome.
Sometimes tensions build and boil over among siblings not over the inheritance itself but rather who is appointed to oversee the disposition of those assets. To avoid fights, parents often default to appointing their oldest child as executor or trustee or naming some or all of the children as co-managers — well-intentioned moves that experts say often backfire.
"The person who is most suited for the role is the best choice, and that should be the person who is organized, financially capable, communicative and, crucially, trusted by the other beneficiaries," says Doshi.
Whoever you pick, to minimize resentment or hurt feelings, be sure to communicate your decision to all of your children as well as your reasons — say, if the appointee has legal or financial skills or is recognized within the family as the peacemaker.
As for the team approach to executorship, experts are not fans. "Requiring all of your children to reach constant consensus, especially when everyone is grieving, can slow things down or even create conflict where there wasn’t any," says Doshi.
And if the kids don’t always get along? "If the siblings have never made decisions well together, requiring a consensus after a parent dies is planning for deadlock," Rizzo says.
The critical question parents don’t ask enough, Olson says, particularly when it comes to trusts: What will giving this child authority do to the sibling relationship? "Sometimes the most loving thing a parent can do is not put one child in the position of policing another," she says.
Alternatives to naming one or more of your children as executor or trustee include appointing another family member or close friend who is capable and willing to take on the responsibility, or hiring a professional fiduciary through, say, a bank or other financial institution. Or you can turn to an estate-planning attorney who offers these services (find one via the directory of The American College of Trust and Estate Counsel).
Read more: 6 Steps to Choosing an Executor
Get help before things blow up.
If you anticipate conflict between your children over their inheritance, or recognize it’s a possibility, you can also turn to professionals to mediate potentially thorny issues or just help get all the kids on the same page. Siblings can also seek outside help after a parent’s death, if issues around their bequests start to get contentious.
"Having a neutral third party in the room guiding the conversation can help mitigate some long-standing family feelings and tensions, and people tend to be more respectful and reasonable," says Joseph Kellogg, head of wealth planning for WE Family Offices in Miami.
Experts suggest parents consider building a procedure for mediation of disputes into estate-planning documents. (An estate-planning attorney or family wealth manager may be able to fill this role, or you can find a professional mediator in your locale using a tool such as Mediate.com’s practitioner directory.)
"That way everyone knows there’s a way out of disputes that attempts to be fair and objective," says Kellogg. "And it can motivate kids to go the extra mile in trying to work it out themselves, knowing that if they don’t, someone else will step in and do it for them."
Research from Karl Pillemer at Cornell, including interviews with about 300 people who had experienced family rifts, backs up the importance of seeking independent mediation if siblings are locked in a fight over their parents’ estate.
"When I asked family members who had a rift over inheritance what would have helped, they often said some version of, ‘I’d like a time machine, so we could go back and get outside help.’"
No one wants their legacy to be that their kids end up hating each other.
The good news, says Pillemer: Rifts over wills, inheritance and money are somewhat more likely to be repaired than ones that stem from systemic family problems, such as harsh parenting or extremely difficult childhoods — unless siblings reach a tipping point in which one says to the other, "I never want to see or speak to you again."
"When that occurs, it develops its own dynamic and is surprisingly hard to repair," says Pillemer. "Almost every estranged family I talked to wished they hadn’t drawn that line in the sand.
So do almost anything you can not to reach that cutoff point. Keep talking, be more understanding, seek mediation, get help from a therapist, apologize — even if you feel you shouldn’t have to — and, most especially, ask yourself, Is this really worth it?"
The price of destroying a family over money, he notes, is almost always too high, and it’s the next generation that pays. "If two siblings cut off contact over an inheritance, they don’t lose only each other; their children lose their cousins. Your kids will inherit not only your assets one day but also the estrangements that came with them."
That’s the opposite of the legacy most parents hope to leave. The way to prevent it, Pillemer and other experts say, is to talk with your children, communicate your intentions and the reasoning behind them clearly and early, and be open to your kids’ views and feelings in return.
He says, "That’s the single most important thing parents can do."
Read more: Kiplinger Conversations: How to Talk Inheritance With Your Kids
Special considerations for blended families.
Families in which one or both spouses have children from previous marriages are the most likely to experience disputes around estate plans, according to research from the Society of Trust and Estate Practitioners (STEP). Unequal treatment of siblings and conflicts between children and stepchildren were among the most-common points of friction, second only to disputes between children and a surviving parent or stepparent.
"The core problem is that remarriage creates competing loyalties and competing claims, which can be difficult to resolve in a way that feels fair to everyone," says Karl Pillemer.
If you’re part of a blended family and want to keep the peace between your biological children and your stepkids after you’re gone, experts recommend these steps.
Formalize your wishes. Recent research from Yale shows parents often favor stepkids as beneficiaries over any relatives other than spouses and their own children. But state intestacy laws, which dictate how your assets will pass to others if you die without a will, typically don’t make provisions for stepchildren.
So if you want yours to inherit anything, you’ll need to make that intent clear and legally binding with bequests via a will or trust or by including them as beneficiaries on financial accounts that pass outside of a will.
Accommodate age differences. There are often big age gaps among children in blended families, notes Carly Doshi, head of family advisory planning and trust services at Flagstar Bank. So their financial needs and when they need to tap assets may be different — one child might be gearing up to, say, buy a first home while another might be nearing retirement.
The solution? Doshi says this is a situation in which trusts come in handy, giving you the ability to spell out when and under what circumstances different heirs get distributions from your estate.
Consider a neutral party for key roles. Parents often pick the oldest child as executor or trustee. But in a blended family, putting a child from one branch of the family in charge of assets for someone from a different branch can spark tensions.
An alternative: Appoint a neutral party, such as an estate attorney or professional fiduciary.
Note: This item first appeared in Kiplinger Personal Finance Magazine, a monthly, trustworthy source of advice and guidance. Subscribe to help you make more money and keep more of the money you make here.
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