Question: I'm a 76-year-old widow, and my son is pushing me into assisted living. He says I need to socialize more and that he's worried about my health. How do I convince him I'm fine living on my own?
Answer: Getting older can be a tough adjustment. Not only might you be grappling with health issues, but many people find that once they retire, they often lose the sense of purpose their jobs once provided.
There's also the loneliness factor to consider. Work serves as a social outlet for many people. Once you retire, you may find that your social circle shrinks.
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The University of Michigan's 2024 National Poll on Healthy Aging found that more than one-third of U.S. adults aged 50 to 80 report feeling lonely. Almost that same percentage feels isolated. That’s why moving to an assisted living community could be extremely beneficial.
Assisted living communities offer perks such as built-in social activities that make it easy to connect with others, stay engaged, and form friendships. And these communities, by nature, cater to people of similar ages and circumstances.
Plus, it's common for assisted living communities to offer maintenance-free living. Many provide cleaning services and take care of interior and exterior upkeep, alleviating a significant burden for retirees who may no longer have the energy to maintain a home as they once did.
Of course, another huge perk of assisted living is getting help with, well, living. As you age, your ability to do things like cook, dress, and bathe may wane. Moving to a community where you can transition into getting that sort of help could be very beneficial.
That doesn’t mean an assisted living community is right for you, though. Aside from the huge cost involved, you may prefer to age in the home you raised your family in — even as a 76-year-old widow navigating retirement on your own.
But what if your son is pushing you to move to an assisted living community? He may have good intentions. But if that’s not what you want, it’s important to stand your ground.
Carve out some time for an open, honest conversation
If you’re of sound mind and are doing fine on your own, then there’s no reason to uproot yourself and take on the expense of an assisted living facility. But if your son needs convincing, it’s important to set aside time for an open conversation.
As Courtney Morgan, Licensed Therapist and Founder of Counseling Unconditionally, says, “It’s important that both the widow and the son have an opportunity to share their concerns and to reach mutual understanding. I’d suggest planning a time to talk about this. By intentionally scheduling a conversation, both parties have time to prepare their thoughts and minimize distractions in order for the conversation to be effective.”
From there, says Morgan, it’s important to validate your son’s feelings and concerns.
“Acknowledge that they have fears about the current living situation, and provide reassurance that you know what is best for you,” says Morgan. “If your son’s concerns are valid and you are not socializing, you could compromise by creating a plan to increase socialization with friends or family members. You could also agree to revisit this conversation if the situation changes or if concerns increase.”
One thing you may want to emphasize, says Morgan, is that you value your autonomy, and that continuing to take care of yourself gives you a stronger sense of purpose and quality of life. Also, explain that you enjoy spending time in your community, and that you’ve lived a certain lifestyle to be independent as you age.
Just as importantly, says Morgan, be specific. Describe your current social connections and routines in order to really convey that you’re doing fine. And explain that you're not having difficulty taking care of your daily needs at present.
That doesn't mean you won't start to have difficulty with those things as you get older. But you don't have to cross that bridge until you get there.
You have the right to make your own decisions — and avoid hefty costs
It’s one thing for a grown child to encourage a parent to explore assisted living if they have concerns. But Evan Farr, Certified Elder Law Attorney at Farr Law Firm, P.C., says it’s important to recognize that if your son’s pushiness goes too far, you have rights.
“Every adult is presumed competent unless judged by a court to be incompetent,” Farr says. “Having competency, also called capacity, means that they can make their own decisions, even if a child thinks that they are exercising poor judgment in making their own decisions. Every adult should be allowed the dignity of aging in place in their own home so long as they are able to do that and want to do that.”
A recent AARP survey found that 75% of older adults want to age in their homes and communities. And there can be benefits to doing so, like the familiarity of your neighborhood and routine.
Not only do you have the right to age in your own home if you so choose, but it’s also understandable that you may not want to bear the cost of assisted living.
Genworth and CareScout report that in 2024, the average assisted living community had a price tag of $70,800 per year. And that’s a cost you may have to bear on your own.
As Farr points out, “Assisted living facilities these days are almost the same price as nursing homes, yet assisted living facilities do not accept Medicaid if the parent runs out of money. Most adult children don't realize this distinction and assume that the system will take care of their parents in assisted living if they run out of money.”
On the other hand, Farr says, “If the parent stays at home and ages in place with in-home care, at some point Medicaid can be used to pay for in-home care.”
Of course, there are requirements that need to be met for Medicaid to step in and cover in-home care, Farr explains. The point, however, is that assisted living is something that could easily drain the nest egg you worked hard to build. If you don’t want it and don’t need it, then you shouldn’t let a pushy (albeit well-meaning) child talk you into it.
Before you push back, pause
It's true that if you are of sound mind and body, you don't need assisted living. However, talk to your son with an open mind. Ask him specifically why he thinks you may need more care. Is it because of something he's noticed lately, or a general fear that you will be unsafe in your own home? Listen carefully. If he has noticed you are having balance or memory issues, for example, you might ask him to help you find someone to check in on you. If he thinks your home is unsafe, come up with a plan for making modest adjustments.
Aging is a slow process, and often the brain has a tough time tracking physical and mental decline. Since many assisted living and retirement communities have long waiting lists, you could offer to start the process of looking at your options to move even a few years down the road. If you don't need the extra help, great, but if you do, you'll at least be prepared.
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