How to Protect Yourself and Others From a Troubled Adult Child

A worried older couple hold each other while looking out the window of their home.

When the news that legendary director Rob Reiner and his wife, Michele, were murdered in their Los Angeles home and the only suspect was their 32-year-old son, Nick, I immediately thought of my meeting — only a week earlier — with "Alex," who left this message on our office voicemail:

"My brother 'Gabe' is out of control, but nothing I say to my parents is getting their attention. What can I do? Can we meet as soon as possible, please? It got so physical last night that the police were called — again — but Mom and Dad won't do anything to protect themselves. They keep giving him money. I fear he could kill them.

"Also, they have an estate plan, but they will not tell me a thing. I have to know if the worst happens. And what if Gabe attacks a neighbor he has had words with? Could my parents be held liable for his criminal behavior?"

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Sometimes denial is too strong

Gabe's case is not an isolated one. There are some parents who never get it, who will never get it, nor do they realize just how much they have contributed to a child's failure as an adult.

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In my decades of practicing law, I have observed a strong correlation between highly successful professionals — physicians, dentists, CPAs, lawyers — with irresponsible, messed-up kids who never grow up. (I'm not suggesting in any way that this is what happened with the Reiners and their son — I'm talking only about Gabe's case and others I've personally witnessed that are similar.)

Failure is all but assured with a helicopter, snowplow or bulldozer parent — overly involved, protective parents who "hover" over their children, shielding them from challenges, mistakes and natural consequences to ensure — they think — their safety and success.

It is all made worse when a child develops mental illness, which may be evident to others but is denied by one or both parents.

Mom, in Gabe's case, checks all the boxes. I have been their family attorney for decades and watched the boys grow up.

Both parents are specialists in their medical fields, but Mom stayed home and devoted herself to their sons, "protecting" Gabe in particular because of issues he had as a young child that worsened over the years.

And, I have to tell you, she is the nicest, most generous person you'll ever meet, with a smile that can melt ice. Like Alex, I am also worried about what could happen.

Problems began at a young age

Beginning at about 5 years of age, Gabe showed behaviors that were not normal and were not addressed. While Alex did fine in school, Gabe always felt teachers were out to get him. Mom justified his irrational thoughts and paranoia by blaming the teachers for his failures.

When Gabe started misusing marijuana, his downward spiral accelerated. He was "unfairly" flunked out of law school "because they did not like my political views." DUI arrests followed, and he has been in and out of rehab and psychiatrists' offices.

At 32, he is still living at home. He has never been employed for more than a few months. He regularly consumes large amounts of alcohol.

In drug-fueled rages, he has torn apart the interior of the family home, and his parents, fearing for their lives, often stay in hotels to protect themselves. But they also go back home from time to time, despite the danger.

Parents need to lessen the risks and protect themselves

Any family in this kind of situation needs to ensure that guns and other weapons are removed from the home. Even if a family owns no firearms, you do not know if your troubled loved one has acquired one. A thorough search of the home is obligatory when they are out.

Generally, parents are not responsible for an adult child's criminal behavior, but in a situation like Gabe's, parents need to do everything possible to reduce the chances of someone getting hurt and the family being blamed for being negligent.

It's important to involve law enforcement

Alex made clear that his parents refused to have Gabe arrested — and he could still be, for assault, vandalism, terrorist threats — and taken to a mental facility.

I spoke about this with two clinical psychologists, who asked not to be identified because they are not involved in Gabe's case. They both indicated that the fact that he has not been arrested is evidence of the parents being caught in a spiral of enabling.

Providing money, housing or covering up destructive behavior is seen as a green light to continue bad behavior. They both added that any parent in this situation needs professional counseling themselves.

Other steps parents dealing with a troubled and violent adult child need to take include:

Call 911 if the danger is immediate. Law enforcement can intervene and issue a temporary stay-away order.
Call a crisis hotline for guidance when violence or drug use escalates. Visit USA.gov to find the numbers for hotlines and other information about how families can get help with issues stemming from substance abuse.
Seek a professional evaluation for the child at a mental health facility. Parents should also seek professional counseling themselves.
Locate support groups to learn coping strategies and avoid isolation.
Have a home video/audio security system installed with the data sent to the cloud, not stored at home, where it can be accessed by the troubled person.

Someone needs to know where estate planning information is located

Now for Alex's question about the estate planning documents. It helps no one to play hide-the-ball with documentation involving family trusts, wills and related information, especially when you have responsible adult children or other family members capable of carrying out your wishes.

My recommendation to anyone in Alex's situation is to say to their parents, "Not knowing where these documents are or what information they include is likely to cause delays, legal battles and costs that I know you don't want. Help me help you in reducing the stress of what not knowing will cause."

In case you wonder if I tried to reason with Mom — yes, I tried. But I was met with that beautiful smile.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

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After attending Loyola University School of Law, H. Dennis Beaver joined California's Kern County District Attorney's Office, where he established a Consumer Fraud section. He is in the general practice of law and writes a syndicated newspaper column, You and the Law. Through his column, he offers readers in need of down-to-earth advice his help free of charge. "I know it sounds corny, but I just love to be able to use my education and experience to help, simply to help. When a reader contacts me, it is a gift."