Are You a Doormat at Work? The Hidden Cost of Excessive People-Pleasing
I talked to the author of the upcoming book 'Fawning,' and she explains how the 'fawn' response can lead to blurred boundaries, difficulty asserting needs and a loss of self, with serious emotional consequences like anxiety and PTSD.


"Recently, the insurance property adjusting firm I work for hired a brother and sister, 'Jack and Jill,' who are competent, but their behavior around our supervisor, who is a bully, is creating a toxic environment. They are the very definition of suck-ups.
"To avoid burnout, there is an understanding with upper management about the number of hours a week we should work, which the supervisor hates. Even though it's clear they aren't happy being stepped on, Jack and Jill do whatever he wants, even working entire weekends, making the rest of us look lazy.
"When they praise his drive and work ethic — openly, so we hear the compliments — I just want to puke! We are all wondering why these two are so willing to be doormats. I heard Jill whisper to her brother that the supervisor reminds her of their dad. So I am thinking, 'They are acting like victims of domestic abuse.'
From just $107.88 $24.99 for Kiplinger Personal Finance
Be a smarter, better informed investor.

Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free Newsletters
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.
Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.
"Is there something the rest of us can read that would help in understanding the dynamics and what, if anything, we can do to help them? They do not seem to be able to just say, 'No more,' and people are talking about quitting this place. Thanks, 'Leon,' on behalf of my coworkers."
Kiplinger's Adviser Intel, formerly known as Building Wealth, is a curated network of trusted financial professionals who share expert insights on wealth building and preservation. Contributors, including fiduciary financial planners, wealth managers, CEOs and attorneys, provide actionable advice about retirement planning, estate planning, tax strategies and more. Experts are invited to contribute and do not pay to be included, so you can trust their advice is honest and valuable.
The need to please can be related to domestic abuse
"Dennis, your reader has very good insight," says Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton after I read her Leon's email. "This sounds like people who were exposed to domestic trauma, learning to please and appease an abusive parent. We call that 'fawning.'"
Clayton is the author of Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves — and How to Find the Way Back, which will be published in September.
I was sent an advanced copy of this fascinating book that shines a spotlight on why we sometimes bend over backward to please a jerk, or, as Clayton notes, "to at least get that person to leave us alone, because we are afraid."
Saying 'yes' when 'no' is called for
We've all known someone who was unable to stand up to unfairness at home or on the job, who caved in, saying "yes" when "no" was called for, ultimately trying to avoid some type of feared or perceived harm by appeasing the abuser.
I've seen this kind of conduct often in my law practice and always wonder and sometimes even ask clients: "Why are you caving in?"
Clayton's book helped me understand how a series of life events steals from so many people what the Cowardly Lion was searching for in The Wizard of Oz — courage.
Looking for expert tips to grow and preserve your wealth? Sign up for Adviser Intel (formerly known as Building Wealth), our free, twice-weekly newsletter.
She gives us a key to understanding this disturbing element of behavior. Fawning is an insightful read — a true eye-opener — for business majors, HR consultants, managers at all levels and families who are frustrated by actions they don't understand.
"Dennis, fight, flight and freeze are responses to perceived physical or psychological threats," Clayton says. "But now, we are aware of the fawn response, which can become an ingrained, harmful behavior.
"Fawning is a people-pleasing strategy to stay safe by appeasing others. And, yes, while compassion and empathy are important life qualities, excessive and unhealthy fawning often results in blurred boundaries and difficulty asserting one's needs."
Consequences of people-pleasing
Clayton makes clear that being a "people pleaser" 24/7 has no upside. "Continually attempting to 'look good' in other people's eyes comes with a high price: Chronic fawning means you lose yourself, and that can take a serious toll on your emotional well-being and is associated with anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."
So, if you are a fawner, what price do you pay? According to Clayton, the list includes:
- Saying "no" can be virtually impossible, as you are unable to set boundaries to requests.
- You put yourself last and the needs of others first. This eventually eats at you.
- You avoid conflict at all costs, allowing small issues to grow massively.
- As people take advantage of your apparent "yes" to all requests, you become resentful.
How friends, family and coworkers can help
I asked Clayton, "What approach can friends, family and coworkers take that might help?" She had these suggestions on what to say:
- "I've noticed you're bending over backward to keep the peace with so-and-so. Are you doing okay?"
- "It seems like you're carrying a lot of weight around here. Do you feel like you have to?"
- "Is there any way I can support you?"
"These aren't confrontational statements," Clayton adds. "They offer care, awareness and can help the fawner begin to reconnect with their own values and boundaries. The key is to validate their survival instinct while inviting reflection: 'You're doing what you need to do to get through this.' And, 'what do you need to feel more like you at work again?'"
After reading Fawning, I couldn't help but think, "I wish I'd known this when I was in law school."
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
Related Content
- Can a Potential Employee Negotiate Conditions of Criticism?
- How to Spot a Drama Addict at Work (and What to Do About It)
- Why a Law Firm Secretly Recording Client Conversations Is Wrong (and Illegal)
- Six Things Not to Do if You Want to Resolve a Conflict
- Yes, You Can Discuss Your Salary With Your Co-Workers
Profit and prosper with the best of Kiplinger's advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and much more. Delivered daily. Enter your email in the box and click Sign Me Up.

After attending Loyola University School of Law, H. Dennis Beaver joined California's Kern County District Attorney's Office, where he established a Consumer Fraud section. He is in the general practice of law and writes a syndicated newspaper column, "You and the Law." Through his column, he offers readers in need of down-to-earth advice his help free of charge. "I know it sounds corny, but I just love to be able to use my education and experience to help, simply to help. When a reader contacts me, it is a gift."
-
Credit Cards That Actually Reward Your Loyalty
If you have bank or investment accounts with your credit card issuer, you may qualify for extra cash back, waived fees and other benefits.
-
The 10 Most Valuable Vacation Destinations for Retirees in 2026
Whether traveling within the U.S. or internationally, retirees can find a perfect blend of relaxation and excitement in these destinations, all while staying within budget.
-
Credit Cards That Actually Reward Your Loyalty
If you have bank or investment accounts with your credit card issuer, you may qualify for extra cash back, waived fees and other benefits.
-
The 10 Most Valuable Vacation Destinations for Retirees in 2026
Whether traveling within the U.S. or internationally, retirees can find a perfect blend of relaxation and excitement in these destinations, all while staying within budget.
-
My First $1 Million: Waste Hauling and Recycling Business Owner, 40, Wyoming
Ever wonder how someone who's made a million dollars or more did it? Kiplinger's My First $1 Million series uncovers the answers.
-
I Wrote About Credit Cards for Years: Here's My Credit Card Rewards Strategy
This is how I maximize cash back and points for various purchases and leverage premium card benefits such as airport lounge access and annual fee waivers for active-duty military members.
-
Will Taxes Shred Your 401(k) or IRA During Your Retirement? It's Very Likely
Conventional wisdom dictates that you save in a 401(k) now and pay taxes later, but turning that rule on its head could leave you far better off. A financial planner explains why.
-
More Retirees Are Renting: Should You? A Financial Adviser Weighs In
In some ways, renting is cheaper, more flexible and easier, but unless you understand the implications for your taxes and health costs, it might not be for you.
-
Dow Dives 878 Points on Trump's China Warning: Stock Market Today
The main indexes erased early gains after President Trump said China is becoming "hostile" and threatened to cancel a meeting with President Xi.
-
Sam's Club Extends A Popular Shopping Perk
Sam's Club has adopted a new policy on Sundays and holidays. Learn what it is and how to save on a membership.