"Recently, the insurance property adjusting firm I work for hired a brother and sister, 'Jack and Jill,' who are competent, but their behavior around our supervisor, who is a bully, is creating a toxic environment. They are the very definition of suck-ups.
"To avoid burnout, there is an understanding with upper management about the number of hours a week we should work, which the supervisor hates. Even though it's clear they aren't happy being stepped on, Jack and Jill do whatever he wants, even working entire weekends, making the rest of us look lazy.
"When they praise his drive and work ethic — openly, so we hear the compliments — I just want to puke! We are all wondering why these two are so willing to be doormats. I heard Jill whisper to her brother that the supervisor reminds her of their dad. So I am thinking, 'They are acting like victims of domestic abuse.'
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"Is there something the rest of us can read that would help in understanding the dynamics and what, if anything, we can do to help them? They do not seem to be able to just say, 'No more,' and people are talking about quitting this place. Thanks, 'Leon,' on behalf of my coworkers."
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The need to please can be related to domestic abuse
"Dennis, your reader has very good insight," says Los Angeles-based clinical psychologist Dr. Ingrid Clayton after I read her Leon's email. "This sounds like people who were exposed to domestic trauma, learning to please and appease an abusive parent. We call that 'fawning.'"
Clayton is the author of Fawning: Why the Need to Please Makes Us Lose Ourselves — and How to Find the Way Back, which will be published in September.
I was sent an advanced copy of this fascinating book that shines a spotlight on why we sometimes bend over backward to please a jerk, or, as Clayton notes, "to at least get that person to leave us alone, because we are afraid."
Saying 'yes' when 'no' is called for
We've all known someone who was unable to stand up to unfairness at home or on the job, who caved in, saying "yes" when "no" was called for, ultimately trying to avoid some type of feared or perceived harm by appeasing the abuser.
I've seen this kind of conduct often in my law practice and always wonder and sometimes even ask clients: "Why are you caving in?"
Clayton's book helped me understand how a series of life events steals from so many people what the Cowardly Lion was searching for in The Wizard of Oz — courage.
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She gives us a key to understanding this disturbing element of behavior. Fawning is an insightful read — a true eye-opener — for business majors, HR consultants, managers at all levels and families who are frustrated by actions they don't understand.
"Dennis, fight, flight and freeze are responses to perceived physical or psychological threats," Clayton says. "But now, we are aware of the fawn response, which can become an ingrained, harmful behavior.
"Fawning is a people-pleasing strategy to stay safe by appeasing others. And, yes, while compassion and empathy are important life qualities, excessive and unhealthy fawning often results in blurred boundaries and difficulty asserting one's needs."
Consequences of people-pleasing
Clayton makes clear that being a "people pleaser" 24/7 has no upside. "Continually attempting to 'look good' in other people's eyes comes with a high price: Chronic fawning means you lose yourself, and that can take a serious toll on your emotional well-being and is associated with anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)."
So, if you are a fawner, what price do you pay? According to Clayton, the list includes:
- Saying "no" can be virtually impossible, as you are unable to set boundaries to requests.
- You put yourself last and the needs of others first. This eventually eats at you.
- You avoid conflict at all costs, allowing small issues to grow massively.
- As people take advantage of your apparent "yes" to all requests, you become resentful.
How friends, family and coworkers can help
I asked Clayton, "What approach can friends, family and coworkers take that might help?" She had these suggestions on what to say:
- "I've noticed you're bending over backward to keep the peace with so-and-so. Are you doing okay?"
- "It seems like you're carrying a lot of weight around here. Do you feel like you have to?"
- "Is there any way I can support you?"
"These aren't confrontational statements," Clayton adds. "They offer care, awareness and can help the fawner begin to reconnect with their own values and boundaries. The key is to validate their survival instinct while inviting reflection: 'You're doing what you need to do to get through this.' And, 'what do you need to feel more like you at work again?'"
After reading Fawning, I couldn't help but think, "I wish I'd known this when I was in law school."
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
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