How to Embrace Personal Growth After a Gray Divorce

Divorce at any age is a traumatic event, and resetting psychologically, especially after a late-in-life divorce, is more important than ever.

Andrew Hatherley, CDFA®, CRPC®'s avatar
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Editor’s note: This is the final article in an ongoing series throughout this year focused on helping older adults navigate the financial difficulties of gray divorce. See below for links to the other articles in the series.

For the last article in my series on gray divorce, I’d like to shift the focus away from the realm of money and instead discuss our mental state emerging from gray divorce. Granted, our financial situation can have a big influence on our mental state. But if we have enough money to cover all the necessities of life and even a few luxuries, and we're still feeling adrift emotionally, what can we do? How can we reset psychologically and grow after mid-late-life divorce?

While much of this could apply to people of any age emerging from divorce, I’m convinced the topic of personal growth after divorce resonates more and is perhaps more readily embraced by older people.

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Why?

First, by the very fact of being older, gray divorcées realize most of their life has already been lived. The time is now to get our acts together to live a life of meaning and purpose. With a nod to Morgan Freeman’s character, Red, in the movie The Shawshank Redemption, It’s time to “get busy living or get busy dying.”

Second, older people are more likely to have the financial resources in place to meet the necessities of life and to focus on personal development. They may be better placed in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs to focus on personal growth and self-actualization.

Third, I believe that age can bring, if not wisdom, then perspective and, at a minimum, experience: All of which are useful tools in the last third or even last quarter of our lives.

When I began conducting divorce workshops in 2017, I made it a point to emphasize in those workshops that there is life after divorce. It can be a better, richer, more rewarding life because we're given an opportunity to start again, to reexamine ourselves and, frankly, to reflect on the fact that we're emerging from a situation that wasn't right for us. Many people who experience trauma, such as divorce late in life (or anytime, for that matter), not only show incredible resilience but thrive in the aftermath of the event.

What is post-traumatic growth?

Psychologists Richard Tedeschi and Lawrence Calhoun have coined the term “post-traumatic growth” as the positive psychological change that is experienced from the struggle with highly challenging circumstances.

Tedeschi and Calhoun focus on five areas in which people report significant growth after a traumatic event such as gray divorce.

  • An appreciation for life. This boils down to gratitude. When confronted with fear and loss, we often become better at noticing what we still have but may have previously overlooked. Trauma can make us feel more grateful for the relationships we already have or the new ones that we will develop. But other things we may have taken for granted, like a sunny day, a purring cat or even light traffic on the drive to the gym, give us pause to be grateful, if only for a second.
  • We've all heard the phrase “that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger.” Or “if I can make it through that, I can make it through anything.” Tedeschi and Calhoun point to personal strength as another key benefit of post-traumatic growth. People are often surprised how well they have handled trauma and are better equipped to tackle future challenges.
  • Spiritual growth. When trauma challenges our core beliefs, we're often forced to become much more thoughtful or philosophical in the attempt to design a life worth living.
  • Improved relationships are often born of the need to give and receive support. Trauma can help us forge new relationships and make us more grateful for the ones we already have. In this sense, the crisis becomes a bonding experience.
  • New possibilities. Tedeschi notes that when new realities prevent us from resuming old habits or roles, we must adapt and innovate. We might look inward and tap some of our previously underutilized strengths.

Tools of positive psychology

Here are four specific tools of positive psychology. Each has been important to me in my journey after midlife divorce, and I've recommended them to clients.

1. The Big Five Personality Test. This is based on the Big Five personality model that defines human personality as the combination of five personality traits or factors: openness, conscientiousness, agreeableness, extraversion and neuroticism.

Psychologists have developed tools like the Big Five to help us answer questions about ourselves. Ultimately, this will allow us to do more of what we're good at, to better understand what type of work we are best suited for, to help us better navigate relationships, to enjoy our leisure time and to help us develop strategies to counterbalance our weaknesses.

2. The VIA Classification of Character Strengths and Virtues is a tool that works alongside the Big Five Personality Test to help us better understand ourselves by focusing on our key strengths. Like our personalities, most of us have no real awareness of our character strengths and how these serve us in daily life.

3. Ikigai is a Japanese concept that means “reason for being.” Your ikigai is essentially your life purpose. It’s what brings you joy and inspires you to get out of bed every day. Ikigai says you’ve found your true calling at the convergence of these four qualities:

  • What you love
  • What you’re good at
  • What you can be paid for
  • What the world needs

Ikigai is visualized by assigning each of these qualities to four overlapping circles. The center where all four circles overlap is your ikigai.

4. The Wheel of Life is a frequently used psychological tool to address a client’s satisfaction with important life domains. These life domains might include love, career, health, friends, fun, money, family, spirituality. Once these domains are identified, the client then rates these domains on a scale of 1 to 10, from “not at all satisfied” to “completely satisfied.” After reading one's domains, opportunities to increase satisfaction in each domain are discussed. It’s a useful tool to gauge your sense of life fulfillment.

There is life after gray divorce

In working with individuals going through gray divorce, the key message I like to communicate is that there is life after divorce, no matter your age.

If you’d like to learn more, please reach out to schedule a free consultation or visit my website.

The Other Articles in This Series

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

Andrew Hatherley, CDFA®, CRPC®
Andrew Hatherley, CDFA®, CRPC®
Founder, Transcend Retirement, LLC & Wiser Divorce Solutions, LLC

Andrew Hatherley is the founder of Transcend Retirement, LLC and Wiser Divorce Solutions, LLC and the host of The Gray Divorce Podcast. After going through his own mid-life divorce, Andrew decided to help other people avoid the financial and emotional stress so common to the process. He earned the designation Certified Divorce Financial Analyst® and is trained in mediation and Collaborative Divorce. He is also a member of the Amicable Divorce Network.

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