The Stonewall riots that marked the beginning of the modern gay rights movement erupted in 1969, more than 55 years ago, and yet so much of LGBTQ life is uncharted territory. That includes finances, aging, and retirement. The loss of so many gay men from the AIDS crisis robbed the community, and the world, of so much, including role models and examples of how to manage the social, financial, and physical effects of aging.
Many Gen Xers who were born during the Stonewall era are just now contemplating what retirement will mean for them, and the road map barely exists, because many of the Boomers who came before them not only couldn’t live openly as they were, but for most of their lives, they lacked so many of the legal protections and opportunities — in employment, housing, survivorship, marriage, children — that can facilitate a less stressful retirement.
The fact that marriage equality and gay couples raising children are such new phenomena — witness the high-profile novelty of former U.S. Transportation Secretary Pete Buttigieg and his husband Chasten marrying, and then adopting and raising twins — only underscores the fact that the later chapters of life for the LGBTQ community are often full of ambiguity and anxieties that are unique to this population.
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The organization SAGE advocates on behalf of LGBTQ+ seniors, and in 2023, it trained more than 46,000 staff at 576 organizations around the country, according to the Associated Press. But that’s just a drop in the bucket compared to what LGBTQ seniors need.
“We have a long way to go in terms of getting to the point where nursing homes, assisted living, and other long-term care providers are prepared for and ready to provide appropriate and welcoming care to trans elders,” Michael Adams, SAGE’s CEO, told the AP. That observation applies to the LGBTQ elder community landscape in general.
“There’s a huge demand, but there aren’t that many [LGBTQ communities],” says Bonnie J. McGowan, the founder of Birds of a Feather in New Mexico. “I get inquiries all the time.”
She remembers attending a SAGE meeting in New York in 1995, the purpose of which was to gauge interest in developing LGBTQ retirement communities. “Only two of us ever created what our vision was,” McGowan says. She was one. The other founder’s community, Rainbow Vision, went bankrupt during the Great Recession, a sad example (one of many) of how difficult it is to make a go of an LGBTQ retirement community.
Nevertheless, over-55 communities catering to LGBTQ people — whether exclusively LGBTQ or LGBTQ-friendly — do exist, though they are relatively rare nationwide. (The Fair Housing Act states that you can’t legally exclude straight people, and indeed, some communities are home to allies and mixed LGBTQ and non-LGBTQ households). LGBTQ elders want the same things that younger members of the community desire — acceptance, safety, and to be relieved of the burden of coming out all over again. Here are some safe havens.
Stonewall Gardens, Palm Springs, Calif.
Residents at Stonewall Gardens in Palm Springs, CA.
“We are truly the only LGBT-focused assisted living facility that’s currently running in the country,” says Brian Trout, the marketing director who also works in resident support at Stonewall Gardens. (He notes that other such facilities have gone “mainstream” to survive). Trout says that Stonewall Gardens offers 24-hour care (for those needing help dressing, walking, and showering, for example), in addition to independent living residents, who don’t have any care needs at present, but want to age in place. “Our resident pool is predominantly gay male, but we welcome everybody,” Trout says.
Though Palm Springs has a large gay population, Trout notes that Stonewall Gardens was the first local retirement community to fly the rainbow flag — then he noticed that others were following suit. “They know what side their bread is buttered on,” he says. In addition to the converted midcentury hotel property where the 27 residents live, Stonewall Gardens features a café, walking paths, and manicured gardens, and it offers a social life located near downtown Palm Springs. “It feels like a resort,” Trout says. “We usually maintain a waitlist, and we draw people from all over the country.”
Village Hearth Cohousing, Durham, N.C.
Residents at Village Hearth Cohousing in Durham, NC.
“It was self-interest,” says Pat McAulay of being an original member and homeowner at Village Hearth Cohousing, “because we didn’t want to end up in a nursing home and have to go back into the closet.” McAulay moved into Village Hearth, a new build that contains seven buildings in groups of four, five years ago. (The largest units are on the ends, with wraparound porches.) “As far as senior cohousing communities go, we are the only LGBT-focused community in the U.S. that we're aware of,” she says. “It's a very niche market, of course. Cohousing itself — maybe there are as many as 200 in the county, and as far as senior cohousing, maybe around 20.”
The cohousing concept carries a non-hierarchical whiff of the Sixties: McAulay describes the category as “an intentional community where people come together to be good neighbors. We make decisions together, and everybody is on the board, which isn’t always the case [in a cohousing facility], but it is in our case. We listen to everyone’s voice and everyone’s opinion, and we do things for the benefit of the community rather than for the individual.” The independent living community welcomes both the LGBTQ community and its allies, and features a large gourmet kitchen, a multi-purpose dining room, office, laundry, exercise room, and even a dog park.
Birds of a Feather Community, Pecos, N.M.
Resident at Birds of a Feather in Pecos, NM.
“When I was younger, many, many years ago,” recalls Birds of a Feather founder Bonnie J. McGowan, “it was kind of a common theme at parties for lesbians to say, ‘What are we going to do when we get old, and where are we are going to live?’” One friend of McGowan’s was preoccupied with the subject, even in her early thirties. The friend died young, but she’d planted the seed in McGowan.
Birds of a Feather broke ground in 2004, becoming one of the first gay, lesbian, and trans communities in the country, with a mix of singles and couples. With financing hard to come by, “I self-funded,” McGowan says, “which I think contributed to its success.”
Birds of a Feather contains 44 lots, from a quarter-acre to three-plus acres; the last one sold three years ago. Several homes are currently under construction. A big draw is proximity to Santa Fe, which is a 30-minute drive away. Hiking and fly fishing are popular outdoor pursuits.
Other LGBTQ-focused communities to explore
- Fountaingrove Lodge, Santa Rosa, Calif.
- A Place for Us, Cleveland, Ohio
- Palms of Manasota, Palmetto, Fl.
- Rainbow Vista, Gresham, Ore.
- The Resort on Carefree Boulevard, Ft. Myers, Fl.
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