Over the many years that I've practiced law and written a syndicated legal advice column, couples who are also business owners have asked personal questions that I am always happy to answer. Here's a recent one:
"We are thinking of having only one child, but we are worried about the challenge of not spoiling an only child. Have you any recommendations? Frankly, we are getting static from some parents who feel that a family means two children (to avoid raising) one entitled brat. Thanks, 'Becky.'"
Recently, I received an advance copy of an excellent "instruction manual" for couples grappling with these and similar issues around wanting just one child. I had the most enjoyable interview with the author, a social psychologist.
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"A boy for you, a girl for me and a white picket fence — those days are gone but remain the basis for a lot of false information and questions for many," says author Susan Newman, PhD. "That's why I wrote Just One: The New Science, Secrets and Joy of Parenting an Only Child."
Incidentally, she wrote The Book of No: 365 Ways to Say It and Mean It ― and Stop People-Pleasing Forever, as well. It is a super read, too, and addresses how to say "no" to your children, whatever their ages, and why that's important. I also consulted with her on my article Parents: Just Say No to Raising a Failed Adult.
Where the stereotype came from
We've all heard the warning that, if you are going to have children, then you've got to have more than one. Ever wonder where that notion came from?
Newman gives us the answer: "We can credit the terribly flawed research in the late 1890s of psychologist G. Stanley Hall for creating beliefs that having just one child meant you would wind up with a misfit — jealous, selfish, egotistical, dependent, aggressive, domineering and quarrelsome.
"Today we are not hearing, 'Why are parents not having a second child?' and related stereotypes."
But she is quick to point out that some challenges of raising an only child can be very real, and Just One tells us how to navigate away from those risky waters.
Here's why one child for business owners is often a good choice
As you know, I'm an attorney. My wife, Anne, works with me as my paralegal, and our son is our only child. We're just like any couple running a business. Having one heathy kid, as Newman observes, "often works out best because business parents are busy and emotionally concerned about whether they are meeting their child's needs."
She underscores, "With one child, you are not double and triple torn. One little person pulling on your strings and raising your guilt level is more than enough."
Work-life balance is especially important for couples who run a business. "I can't overstress the importance of setting up a plan where you and your employees do not stay at the office every night until 9:30," Newman notes.
"Also, tell your staff that you value their spending time with their own families, so everyone comes out a winner — especially the children who will see that Mom and Dad really do want to be with them. It is the best way to retain good people who respect the boss for that concern."
Mistakes to avoid with a single child
Just One is filled with examples of what only-child parents who work very long hours must avoid doing. Topping her list: overcompensating because of guilt.
Doing everything for their children and giving them everything they want can dramatically hinder their development into well-rounded, successful adults.
Say a child wants a new bike, the latest gadget, you name it, and Mom or Dad goes out and buys it for them. Suppose the child regularly gets into trouble, and Mom or Dad always bails them out.
These behaviors have lifelong consequences, Newman points out. By saying "yes" to all of a child's demands, you are setting them up to feel entitled to whatever they want whenever they want it.
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"You are giving them a master class in preying on your guilty feelings. Constantly throwing money at a child has no long-term upside. Instead, it's long-term damage that can create a self-indulgent, me-me-me person — in effect, a narcissist who can't consider the needs of others.
"In the real world, no one wants to be involved with a narcissist or someone who feels they must always be the center of attention and will only do things their way. The lesson that 'friends are not like family and will walk away,' can be bitter, Newman says.
Chores lead to success and happiness in life
Newman cites the 85-year Harvard Study of Adult Development, which found that people who did more age-appropriate chores during childhood — starting at around age 3 — often had more professional success and happiness later in life.
"It's often easier and quicker for a parent to do an only child's chores," she points out, "especially if they feel guilty about their time at work. But responsibilities at home make most children feel capable and that they are an important part of the family, no matter what size it is — an attitude that will serve only children well as they grow up."
There is so much good, practical, accessible advice in Just One. For parents who are concerned about the impact of their child being their only child, Newman's book is one of the best books on family life that I've ever come across.
Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.
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