Is It Wrong to Ask My Retired Mom for Financial Help?

Dear Wealth Wise: My husband and I are in our 40s with three kids. Life is expensive. We often ask my 72-year-old mom to help with costs like summer camp and after-school care. My dad passed six years ago and they saved a lot — probably a few million if I had to guess. Her home is paid off and she has few expenses. We need camp and after-school care so we can work. These are not luxuries; they’re necessities, and we can’t afford them on our own right now. My aunt says we’re taking advantage and that my mom should spend her money on herself in retirement. We’re honest with my mom about what the money is for (our kids do go to a nicer camp, not the cheaper ones). Are we really doing something wrong? I’m an only child and any money she doesn’t spend in her lifetime probably goes to me anyway. — Stretched Thin

Dear Stretched Thin: In the coming years, trillions of dollars will be passed down as part of the Great Wealth Transfer. But some well-off parents would rather give with warm hands and help their grown children financially when they truly need it, such as when they’re deep in the trenches of childcare expenses.

Here, our reader is clearly blessed with a well-off mother who’s generous with her resources. But is her aunt butting in for no good reason, or does she have a point about our reader potentially taking advantage? Here’s what the experts have to say.

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Recognize that there’s actual concern for your mother

When you’re struggling financially, your mother is equipped to help, and your aunt keeps making unwelcome comments about the situation, it’s easy to see how tensions might escalate. But one thing to realize is that your aunt’s comments may not be intended as snide, says Will Haga, CFA and Wealth Advisor at Ullmann Wealth Partners.

"It is important to take a step back and put yourself in your aunt’s shoes and realize that she is approaching this with concern for your mother," he insists. "Your aunt’s primary concern is making sure that your mother can live a meaningful life while planning for future costs, such as long-term care."

As Haga explains, a 72-year-old woman could easily have 20 or more years of retirement to fund. And, he warns, "A single extended stretch of assisted living or in-home care can run well into six figures a year in many areas, and that kind of cost can erode the 'few million' quicker than you think."

Understand what the numbers look like on both sides

Maybe your mother can easily afford childcare costs like a nice camp. But if you don’t know for sure, Haga says, then that’s an important conversation to have.

"'Probably a few million' is a large range, and getting more detail on her balances, income, expenses, and plans for long-term care will help you understand the impact of today’s financial decisions," he advises.

Haga also thinks it’s best to work with your mother to arrive at a concrete amount she feels comfortable giving each year.

"Having a predefined number allows your mother to plan for the expense, allows you and your husband to budget accordingly, and removes the stress from the process," he explains. "I would plan to review this amount annually and give your mom the opportunity to make changes."

Brandon Agamennone, CRPC and wealth management adviser at Victory Private Wealth LLC, agrees that having an open conversation is key.

"The biggest mistake families make is treating financial support as an unspoken expectation instead of an intentional decision," he says. "I would encourage the conversation to shift from 'Can you help us?' to 'What role do you want your money to play in your family's life?'"

Agamennone says it’s also important for your mother to understand the "why" behind her financial gifts. She should figure out whether helping brings her joy or feels like an obligation.

Before asking your mother for money, make sure you are maximizing any Dependent Care FSAs available to you or your husband. You should also ensure that you are using the Child and Dependent Care Tax Credit. Always check whether you are leaving free tax money on the table before tapping into generational wealth.

Dig into the details

As the recipient of those gifts, Agamennone says you should communicate the following so your mother understands the whole picture:

• Your household budget.
• The amount of money you’re asking for annually and why.
• The steps you’re taking, if applicable, to improve your financial situation and rely less on her.

Then, if she agrees, you can explore the best way to give a gift.

She may use the annual gift tax exclusion to give you up to $19,000 (the 2026 limit), or you and your husband $38,000 total. She won't have to file any paperwork with the IRS, and the gift doesn't trigger taxes for the giver or receiver.

Another option is for your mother to pay the camp or after-school program directly. This strategy is often cleaner and avoids some of the emotional toll of giving you money. She should talk to her financial planner to ensure she's following tax rules.

"The healthiest family relationships are built when neither side feels guilty or entitled," Agamennone notes.

Give your mother an out

As much as you might appreciate your mother’s financial help, you shouldn’t feel entitled to it. You also shouldn’t make her feel coerced into subsidizing your costs, even if some of them are necessities.

"I think for the daughter that's taking her mom's money, it's important to make it clear to Mom that whether she says yes or no, she is still loved and accepted by the daughter," says Christian Bumpous, LMFT, LPC, and founder of Therapie.

"Right now, the mom might be saying yes out of love, but she might also be saying yes because she feels fearful that if she said no, she would disappoint the daughter," Bumpous explains. "I think a way to make this truly feel safe for everybody would be to give her the invitation to decline the request."

At the same time, Bumpous says it’s important to validate your aunt’s feelings and let her know you see her worry.

"Say something to the effect of, 'I see that you're worried about her, and I love that you look out for her,' while also holding the boundary that it's not for the bystanding sister to decide what happens with the money."

Bumpous also says it’s important to treat your mother’s financial resources as respectfully as you’d treat your own. The nicer camp, for example, may not be necessary if there’s a less expensive alternative that does the job of providing childcare.

He suggests that our reader ask herself, "Would I still pick this camp if I was the one paying?"

If the answer is no, he says, that might actually mean that the mother is really just paying for an upgrade. And in that case, he says, "The honest thing would be to tell Mom that it's an upgrade as opposed to an essential, and then Mom gets to decide if she wants to contribute or not."

Either way, Bumpous says, your best bet is to bring all the adults involved together for these open discussions — your mother, your aunt, and your spouse, who’s also the recipient of financial support.

"The more this can be a conversation amongst all parties, the easier this whole thing is going to get," he insists.

More Wealth Wise Advice on Generational Wealth Transfer

• Can You Actually Get Paid to Care for an Aging Parent?
• Should We Borrow Money From Our Elderly Father?
• 'Subsidized Adulting': Can You Afford to Help Your Children Financially?
• Should We Bankroll Our Son's $180K Law School Tuition Even Though We're Retired?

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