While overall divorce rates are falling, according to Census data, gray divorce rates (people age 50 and older) are increasing — and most of these are initiated by women.
Older women who are divorcing still have a lot of life to live and don't have to grin-and-bear an unhappy marriage.
Couples aren't simply drifting apart. Women are actively making the choice to change the course of their lives.
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They realize their marriages don't work for them anymore. They have lots of life to live and want the space and time to gain happiness and fulfillment.
It might be an individual choice or one made as a couple, such as celebrities Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, who "consciously uncoupled."
From 'I do' to 'I sue'
Getting a divorce is not an easy decision. It has far-reaching consequences and can be both emotionally and financially devastating for you and your loved ones.
Another downside for women is that in a divorce, a man's standard of living goes up, while a woman's drops.
Men tend to look at a divorce in business terms. Women often look at it in emotional terms. I've heard lots of women proclaim, "He loved me; he will never hurt me financially," then his love language becomes litigation.
In my experience, "All is fair in love and divorce court." Men can seem detached, where women appear to still be attached.
My latest book, Get off Your Assets: A Women's Guide to Avoid Getting Screwed in Your Gray Divorce, takes women on the journey from considering a gray divorce to being knee-deep in one. I help women to design life after divorce, guiding them around money pitfalls.
How to measure your marriage's emotional and financial return on investment
It's hard to assess if you'll find freedom or folly. It's never easy to get a divorce. You might need to laugh and cry through this process.
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Take this short quiz to see if you might be a candidate for a gray divorce.
Answer yes or no to these questions:
1. Do you and your partner find it hard to have a conversation if the kids have flown the nest?
2. When you consider divorce, do you immediately reach for an antacid?
3. If you ask about money issues, does he brush you off by saying, "You never cared before, why now?"
4. Has the flame gone out of your relationship?
5. Do you still fight about the same things you've been fighting about for years?
6. If you don't work outside the home or don't have your own source of money, does he make you account for your spending?
7. Are you included in talks with the financial professionals in your life?
8. Have you tried marriage counseling, but it hasn't worked?
9. Is anger or abuse part of your relationship?
10. Do you hide bills or things you've bought because you don't want to suffer his wrath or judgment?
11. Have you ever hidden the truth about how you spend money by saying to the kids, "I'll buy that for you, but don't tell your father"?
12. When you ask about what happens to you if something happens to him, does he brush you off, saying, "Don't worry, you are taken care of"? But you have no idea what he is talking about?
13. Does he have his own credit card and won't let you see the bill?
14. Have you put off the divorce conversation because you fear how your kids, friends and spouse will react?
15. Do you think you should suck it up because you're not smart or gutsy enough to live on your own?
If yes answers dominate this list, you need to think about how you should move forward. You'll know it's time if:
- You're not just fantasizing about a better partner; you're fantasizing about no partner
- You're not angry; you're indifferent
- You don't want to fix it; you just want out
If you're ready, it's time to get your financial ducks in a row. You need to know what you both own and what you both owe. That's the place to start.
It's not easy to split from the familiar. You've been in this marriage for a long time. But it might be time for "ours" to transition to "mine" and "his.
Related Content
- How Women Can Turn a Gray Divorce Into a Financial Win
- The Divorce Gap: Unique Retirement Issues for Women Over 50
- Five Divorce Settlement Blind Spots: An Expert's Guide to What You Can't Afford to Miss
- You're Divorced, But the Work Isn't Over: A Guide to Five Financial Tasks to Do ASAP
- Women, What Is Your Net Worth?
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