How to Budget as a Couple Without Fighting About Money

a picture of a happy couple going over goals

Not being on the same page about money is a major relationship stressor. However, it doesn't have to be.

When starting a new life together and having money talks, establishing common ground is essential to keep you both aligned. Additionally, learning to budget as a couple can prevent financial disagreements and strengthen your bond, as you work together to achieve your goals, such as saving for a home or paying off debt.

If you're ready to work together to reach your goals, here is your guide to a collaborative and drama-free budget.

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Align your financial values

The first step is identifying what is essential financially to each of you and using those as a baseline to establish common goals. To demonstrate, you might have recently gotten married and are looking to buy a home, which would be a shared goal.

However, you might approach them differently because your values differ. One person might want to focus more on saving money for a down payment, while the other wants to pay down student loan debt to minimize its impact before taking on more debt.

If you don't share your goals, one person might feel like they're doing all the heavy lifting, saving money, while the other might feel pressured to do the same, although they want to focus on getting rid of debt first. Sharing values helps you get on the same page, so you can work as a team to achieve a goal without arguments.

Set a budget that works for both of you

Once you understand each other's finances, you can establish a budget that helps you meet those goals. To keep you both in the loop, there are a few budgeting apps specialized for couples:

Honeydue: This free app links to your personal bank and investment accounts. Each partner can monitor cash flow for each account, even sending a thumbs-up emoji for transactions. It works really well for couples who have separate bank accounts because it keeps things transparent.
Monarch: This app is fantastic for couples looking to track financial goals. Not only can you see a full picture of your household spending and income by linking all personal accounts, but the app also offers monthly spending reports that can help you rein in spending. You can have your partner review transactions to ensure you're on the right track.

Both of these budgeting apps help facilitate financial transparency. Meanwhile, a lack of it can be a big sticking point in relationships.

Bankrate's principal analyst Ted Rossman tells Kiplinger, "We have found, for example, that more than 4 in 10 U.S. adults believe that financial secrets are at least as bad as physical cheating." Having a shared budgeting app can help prevent this.

Have regular money dates

Talking about money isn't always fun, but it's crucial to have ongoing communication with your partner to ensure you're remaining on the same page.

Rossman suggests, "Schedule a money date with your partner at least once a month. You can start small: Set a timer for 15 minutes and pour your favorite beverage. Talk about what bills are coming up and how much money is coming in and going out. Over time, talk about longer-term goals."

It's OK to use this time to address any issues or frustrations that might arise. Maybe one of you feels like they're falling behind on their savings goals because things have become more expensive.

And that's OK. As long as there isn't finger-pointing, venting is perfectly fine. You can be vulnerable, share how you feel and know you have a safe space to do so. This keeps anyone from feeling isolated or unheard.

Maintain your financial freedom within agreed-upon limits

Being in a relationship doesn't mean you have to pool all your money together into the same accounts or share all the same spending habits. "You and your spouse can agree that you each have some money that's yours and yours alone, that can foster independence and ward off fights," Rossman adds.

Best of all, there are many ways you can go about this. My wife and I don't ask each other's approval on smaller purchases. However, if it's, say, $500, then we'll discuss it with each other so there are no surprises.

Rossman notes, "A lot of couples are finding that 'yours, mine and ours' is a good way to meet your joint obligations while also carving out some independence for hobbies, gifts and fun money." You can still achieve your goals while having some independence, provided you're being transparent.

Addressing the income gap

It's common for couples to have one person making substantially more money than the other. This isn't a problem on its own, but here are a few tips to ensure no one feels overwhelmed:

Focus on "our" goals: You're a team, and making sure each person feels like an important member can keep momentum going and reduce the risk of arguments. Instead of setting percentages on bill payment, focus more on "I'll take care of these, you take care of those" goals. This helps each person feel like they're contributing.
Set the same "fun money" limits: If you have a fun money limit of $500 and your partner has one that's $50, then it's easy to see how resentment can grow over time. Instead, focus on setting similar fun money limits so you both feel like equal partners.

Working together will strengthen your relationship and your finances

Budgeting isn't a fun task on its own, but aligning on financial goals is a critical step in any healthy relationship. It allows you both to be heard, maintain your financial independence and have transparency with your partner.

Doing this can prevent many common causes of money fights. In turn, you'll feel more connected, and you'll work together to achieve your financial goals drama-free.

Sean is a veteran personal finance writer, with over 10 years of experience. He's written finance guides on insurance, savings, travel and more for CNET, Bankrate and GOBankingRates.