I Regret Moving to a 55+ Community, But My Wife Loves It. What Can I Do?

Question: My wife and I retired last year and moved to a 55+ community. She loves being social, but I miss our neighbors and feel it was a bad choice. What can I do to safeguard our finances and manage my regret?

Answer: There's a reason so many older Americans are drawn to 55+ communities. These communities commonly offer amenities that range from on-site swimming pools to tennis courts to dining facilities. And just as importantly, they give residents a chance to socialize with people of a similar age.

By the time you're ready to move to a 55+ community, you may be retired or working part-time. And you may want the company of others in a similar situation.

From just $107.88 $24.99 for Kiplinger Personal Finance

Become a smarter, better informed investor. Subscribe from just $107.88 $24.99, plus get up to 4 Special Issues

CLICK FOR FREE ISSUE

Sign up for Kiplinger’s Free Newsletters

Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice on investing, taxes, retirement, personal finance and more - straight to your e-mail.

Profit and prosper with the best of expert advice - straight to your e-mail.

Sign up

But what if you're not loving life in one of these communities? What if you're not as social as your wife and you miss your old home and neighbors? You're not necessarily stuck. But before you make plans to move, it pays to see if there's a way to better the situation.

Selling might sting financially

Any time you make a move that doesn't work out, there's the option to sell your home and try to find another that's a better fit. But if you haven't been in your home very long, you could face a financial hit if you try to sell it, says Sebastian Frey, seasoned living strategist at Team Sixty Plus. Unfortunately, renting it out while you weigh your options may not be as easy as you think.

"Many of these communities will not allow you to rent the property out," Frey explains. "Some will, but often there is a cap — say perhaps only 20% of homes in the community can be rented out. This means that in many cases, if you really don't like living in the community, the only way out is to keep the property and leave it empty…or sell it."

Of course, if you just purchased the home last year, it may not have gained value. As Frey explains, "Homes in 55+ communities tend not to appreciate as much as homes outside of them, since there is a limited buyer pool." So while selling may be possible, you could face a financial loss when you factor in real estate agent fees and moving expenses.

That doesn't mean selling and moving isn't an option. But it may not be one you can afford to exercise right away, depending on your situation.

Try carving out your own social group

Since selling your recently purchased home might hurt your finances, Frey suggests giving it time, especially if you've only been in your home for about a year.

That said, Frey recommends trying to find like-minded people to socialize with in your new community.

"Oftentimes, it's possible to create groups within and outside of a specific community," he explains. "A shared love of poker, golf, fishing, walking, dogs, photography — there are likely all kinds of people in the new community who have things in common with you."

Also, says Frey, there's no reason not to continue socializing with old neighbors if they live close enough to make it feasible. Plus, if you find a group of people in your new community with a shared interest, and that matches the interest of an old neighbor or two, there's nothing wrong with bridging those groups, Frey says. You may find that you're even happier integrating people from your old life into your new one.

Set boundaries and work on compromises

The amenities and opportunities to socialize with a group of people at a similar stage in life are usually a big draw for 55+ communities, says Frey. But if you're not as content as your wife, it may be time to set some boundaries and work out some compromises.

John Puls, psychotherapist at Full Life Comprehensive Care, says, "Generally speaking, an increase in socialization after retirement prolongs life expectancy and increases overall happiness. That being said, it can be quite overwhelming for some people."

Puls explains that 55+ communities sometimes offer so many social opportunities that it can be overstimulating. That's why you need to talk to your spouse about how you're feeling and come up with a solution that works for both of you.

"Everyone has a different social battery," Puls says. "This can be particularly difficult if you have a spouse who is more social. It’s important to set boundaries and guidelines. You do not need to attend every social event, and it’s okay to spend some time at home. It’s incredibly important to clearly communicate to your partner when your social battery is low."

If your wife recognizes how overwhelmed you feel by the nonstop socialization, she may be willing to attend more events on her own. Or, she may agree to start saying no to group activities a bit more often so you can enjoy more downtime together.

As Frey says, "Marriage is about compromise, and it may be that keeping your partner happy may outweigh what you're leaving behind when you leave the old neighborhood." At the same time, you shouldn't hesitate to ensure your emotional needs are being met if you decide that staying where you are is the right choice financially and logistically.

Read More

• We Are Retired, Mortgage-Free, With $970K in Savings. My Husband Wants to Downsize to Lower Our Costs, but I Love Our House. Help!
• I Retired at 60 Two Years Ago With $3.1 Million. My 62-Year-Old Wife Still Works Because She Wants to, but She Resents My Free Time. Help!
• My Husband and I Retired at 67 With $3.2 Million, But He's Frugal About Travel. How Can I Convince Him to Loosen Up?