Is Your Will Actually Fair? Why Estate Planning Isn't Just About the Math
Dividing assets equally can still trigger family drama. Here’s how to navigate tax traps, emotional heirlooms, and blended families so your heirs feel loved — not cheated.
Creating a will or estate plan is a good way to help ensure your wishes are carried out after you pass away. But in the course of writing your will, trust, or whatever tool you use to dictate the terms of an inheritance, you don’t want to only think about the assets you have and how you’re splitting them up among your heirs. You also need to look at the big picture.
An estimated 40% of U.S. adults say they worry about potential conflict among their heirs, according to a 2026 Vanilla survey. This concern is especially apt for blended families, where parents must navigate dividing assets among their own children and step-children. Regardless of your family structure, taking extra care to ensure your plan is as fair as possible is the best way to prevent lasting friction.
When heirs have different levels of need
For the purpose of this discussion, we’ll assume you’re looking to split your assets across multiple children, as opposed to sharing the wealth between children, nieces, nephews, and distant cousins. In the former scenario, you may find that an even split is your best course of action. If you have a $1.2 million estate and three children, each beneficiary gets $400,000. Simple.
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But things aren’t always so cut and dry, warns Steve Lockshin, financial advisor and co-founder of Vanilla, an estate-planning software company.
“An oft-repeated adage in estate planning is that what’s equal is not always fair, and what’s fair is not always equal,” says Lockshin.
As Lockshin explains, you may have a fixed number of assets to split across three children with different needs. One might be a successful lawyer with a $500,000 annual salary and no children, and the others might be struggling teachers with two kids apiece. An equal split might seem fair mathematically, but it’s not necessarily “fair” in practice.
To be clear, Lockshin says there's a compelling reason to split assets equally among children when possible — love.
"Whether explicitly stated or quietly internalized, children often equate the financial decisions their parents make with how much they are loved," Lockshin explains. "When the distributions are unequal, it’s difficult to avoid comparisons. And money, being so easily measured, becomes a surrogate for perceived affection."
However, Lockshin recognizes that while equality is a good default option, it can't always be done.
"There are circumstances where an unequal division is appropriate, or even necessary. A child with special needs, serious health conditions, or mental health challenges may require more support. In such cases, fairness may demand a different kind of equality — one that aligns with each child’s unique needs," he says.
Consider your heirs' emotional attachment to items you pass down
In the course of deciding how your assets will be distributed upon your passing, you can’t only look at money. It’s also important to consider the sentimental value of different assets you may want to pass on.
Say you have a lovely piano in your home worth $8,000 that your children all have fond memories playing. Unlike a sum of money, a piano can’t be split into three.
You could gift the piano to one child and leave your remaining children other assets worth $8,000 to make them whole financially. But that may not make them whole emotionally, and it’s important to note that distinction.
When you want to be fair, but assets have unequal value
Let's go back to the original example of dividing a $1.2 million estate among three children. Several factors can keep their inheritances from being equal.
Taxes: If one child inherits a traditional IRA (which will increase their taxable income) and another receives a $400,000 life insurance benefit (which is tax-free), the final benefit to each child may be starkly different. Moreover, the child inheriting the IRA must withdraw the funds within ten years.
Lack of clarity: A will may not be enough to ensure each child inherits equally. To ensure your wishes are understood and carried out, put a secure distribution system in place. For example, you might consider a revocable or irrevocable trust and a Letter of Instruction for family items.
Beneficiary designations: Even if your will is crystal clear on how you want your estate to be divided, failing to update your beneficiary designations on life insurance policies could upend your instructions. For example, you might have named only your oldest child on a life insurance policy without updating your designation to include all three children. The oldest child will then inherit all of the policy's proceeds.
Have open conversations
Ultimately, fairness in a will or estate plan isn’t just about doing division. It means looking at the big picture and considering the non-financial value of certain assets your beneficiaries may want once you’re no longer around.
It’s also crucial to have open, honest conversations with your heirs and, if possible, allow them to be a part of the estate planning process. This way, any concerns that arise can be answered by you directly, as opposed to leaving your children to question your motives or intentions once you’re no longer around to shed light.
Also, it may be that your heirs feel differently about inheriting specific assets than you think. Going back to our piano example, wouldn’t you rather leave it to the child who truly wants it most, rather than the child you think wants it?
Having those conversations could also be crucial to avoiding conflict once you’re no longer around, Lockshin says.
That said, sometimes you need professional help, especially when one child is estranged, for blended families or when siblings don't get along. You may also want to bring in an estate plan or probate mediator, especially for high-net-worth estates.
"Most parents share a common, deeply rooted hope for their children — that they will be happy, healthy, and love each other," he says. "Few things can fracture sibling relationships more quickly or permanently than an inheritance perceived as unfair. Treating children differently at death, even with good intentions, can dismantle that final wish almost instantly."
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