Your Loved One Fell for a Romance Scam: What Not to Do

An older woman looks off into the distance, appearing annoyed, while her daughter tries to talk to her.

(Image credit: Getty Images)

“Mr. Beaver, I manage one of the largest machine shops in the Midwest and work with some of the brightest, most intelligent people on the planet. A machinist must have a superior knowledge of mathematics, and logical thinking is absolutely necessary,” “Tony’s” email began.

“However, skepticism is not a job requirement, and that is painfully true with ‘Will,’ who is the victim in a catfishing scam. He is 55, single, lonely, and his social — dating — skills are minimal due to him being terribly shy. He met a ‘lady(?)’ on (a dating) website, and over the past year, we all can see that she doesn’t exist, yet Will is sending her money. Each time they arrange to meet, something comes up, and she can’t make it. He is a scam victim, and nothing we say deters him from sending even more money! Have you got any ideas?”

'How stupid can you be?'

I ran the question by Orlando-based Chris Hadnagy. He is a recognized world-leading social engineer, author of Human Hacking (Harper Business, 2021), speaker and adjunct professor at the University of Arizona. He had several suggestions, beginning with what not to say or do.

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1. Don’t say, “You have fallen for what is obviously a scam! How stupid can you be? Obviously, they are not a real person.”

This approach will not work, as you are insulting the person. They have a lot of shame already and are feeling protective of this relationship. Now you have just called them out, and no one likes to be called out on a perceived shortcoming. Plus, sometimes when we tell someone to not do something, they want to do it more.

2. Don’t contact the suspicious person on the side and threaten, “If you don’t leave my mom (or my friend) alone, you’ll regret it!”

Sending various threats is not a good idea, as that person will contact their victim and say, “Why did your boss say that he was going to hurt me? What’s going on between you two?”

So, now the scammer will use that as an opportunity to alienate the family and friends even more, saying things like: “They don’t understand our relationship.” “They don’t get it!” “I don’t want them reaching out to me like that ever again!”

3. Don’t print out articles about romance scams to show the victim. That rarely works, and it often makes them even more determined to protect the scammer.

Even though there is the objective, intellectual proof they are just like the people in the articles, all reasoning is abandoned — they refuse to accept it — due to what psychologists call the commitment and consistency principle. “When our brains commit to something, we hate to be inconsistent and will look for proof that we are right and exclude proof that we are wrong. Our brains do not like things that are inconsistent. It feels bad.

So, when this person is committed to “the love of my life, I believe it,” and if you show them a bunch of articles, they will reply, “I’m sorry those people fell for a scam, but that’s not me.”

Here's what can work

So instead of doing the above three things, you can encourage your loved one to obtain verification that the person they are dealing with is real. Ask them, “Have you done any video calls? Have you ever talked with her live, a chat where you can see each other?” Often, the response is that they have not, so you then say, “Why not get on the phone with them before sending any more money?”

As long as you sound concerned, they will likely not become defensive. However, anyone in a stage of infatuation is not necessarily thinking critically. So, using sound reasoning with them might not be successful. You might then ask, “If this is the love of your life, don’t you want to meet her in person? Meet her friends and family? Maybe you should plan a trip to see her or fly her here for a visit.”

Warn your loved one to be on guard against excuses such as “my webcam is broken.”

Another approach would be to ask, “If you had a son or daughter in the same situation as you are now, what would you want them to do just to be sure that the person really exists?”

Hadnagy concluded our interview with this advice for loved ones of romance scams:

As we do with kids when we warn them about strangers and drugs, talk with your older family members about being wary of people reaching out and being extra nice, in case all they really want is money.
Request that they let you know if a stranger starts chatting them up. That way, you can look into it before a scam can take root.
Do not make older people feel stupid, or they will refuse to come to you for advice.

Hadnagy also provided this advice for potential scam victims:

If you are getting wonderful emails and calls from someone who found you online, go to the people you trust and ask them, “What do you think about this?” And really listen to what they tell you.
If you have sent money and realize afterward that it is a scam, report it to law enforcement before you end the relationship, as the police might be able to set up a sting and apprehend them.

To learn more about Hadnagy’s social engineering expertise, I recommend visiting his website, www.social-engineer.com.

Dennis Beaver practices law in Bakersfield, Calif., and welcomes comments and questions from readers, which may be faxed to (661) 323-7993, or e-mailed to Lagombeaver1@gmail.com. And be sure to visit dennisbeaver.com.

Disclaimer

This article was written by and presents the views of our contributing adviser, not the Kiplinger editorial staff. You can check adviser records with the SEC or with FINRA.

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After attending Loyola University School of Law, H. Dennis Beaver joined California's Kern County District Attorney's Office, where he established a Consumer Fraud section. He is in the general practice of law and writes a syndicated newspaper column, You and the Law. Through his column, he offers readers in need of down-to-earth advice his help free of charge. "I know it sounds corny, but I just love to be able to use my education and experience to help, simply to help. When a reader contacts me, it is a gift."