How to Survive Your Kids Moving Back in as Adults
You can help your kids without hurting yourself.
One of my favorite online reads is the "Tough Love" column in The Free Press, in which author Abigail Shrier dispenses advice to readers seeking help with a wide range of family-related issues.
Recently, Abigail replied to a query from a reader signed Darrill. Darrill sought advice on how to eject his 38-year-old son, who has been living in Darrill's garage apartment for eight years (along with his current girlfriend) and shows no inclination to leave despite having earned two college degrees funded by his parents.
Darrill writes, "We've made it clear that the gravy train ends in six months, and he either moves or starts paying rent, but I have no confidence that things will change by then."
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Abigail responds: "How do you make a 38-year-old act like an adult? You can't. You have but one productive role to play in your son's rescue: Kick him out. Cease your mollycoddling and leave the rest to him. Give them two months and then — if necessary — hire a company to box up their things and put them out on the lawn."
Along with most of the dozens of readers who commented, I agreed that in the spirit of tough love, Abigail's counsel was spot on, if often difficult for parents to take. That prompted me to revisit advice I had given to parents of boomerang kids when I wrote my book Raising Money Smart Kids more than two decades ago.
Would the advice of my younger self still hold up, especially at a time when one-third of adults between the ages of 18 and 34 are still living with their parents? Many parents are happy to lend a hand — or a spare bedroom — but how do you keep the kids from becoming too comfy on the couch, stunting their growth into adulthood and possibly jeopardizing your own retirement?
Lay down the house rules.
My best advice, both then and now, is to nip things in the bud by coming up with "The Plan." You and your children should work out in advance the terms under which they'll move back into your home and what they'll do once they get there.
The Plan should start by addressing how long your children will stay. It needn't be a brief interlude, but it shouldn't be open-ended. If your children are home to attend a graduate or training program, their stay could end with the program. If the kids are job-hunting, start with, say, six months and give them an option to renew. Ditto if they have a job and are saving up for a deposit on an apartment. Not being firm enough on this point is one of the biggest mistakes parents can make.
Another big bone of contention is room and board. If your young adults have a job, The Plan should include an arrangement for them to pay at least a nominal amount of rent. If you don't need the money, you can always put it aside for the kids to save for a security deposit on an apartment or to pay off any debt. As an alternative to rent, they could contribute to the cost of food, streaming services or other household expenses. And kids with no income can provide in-kind payment by cooking, grocery shopping, taking over the yard work or performing other household chores.
Whatever arrangement you agree on, it helps to write down the terms in a contract so everyone is working from the same page. And most important, follow through — even if it means, as in Darrill's case, boxing up their things and moving them out.
But it shouldn't come to that if you create The Plan beforehand. It isn't helpful for either of you if you continue to play the role of enabler, conspiring to keep your adult children from growing up.
Note: If you have had adult children return home, let me know how you handled the situation. I'll be happy to share your advice.
Janet Bodnar is editor at large of Kiplinger Personal Finance. Contact her at Janet.Bodnar@futurenet.com.
Note: This item first appeared in Kiplinger Personal Finance Magazine, a monthly, trustworthy source of advice and guidance. Subscribe to help you make more money and keep more of the money you make here.
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