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Divide Your Heirlooms, Not Your Heirs
Discussing your plans to bequeath the family mementos can head off feuds when you're gone.
March 2006
By Susan B. Garland
When it comes to your estate plan,
you probably think you've covered
all the bases. Perhaps you've decided
to leave everything in identical shares
to your kids, from your investment portfolio to the
proceeds from the sale of the family home. Then, of
course, as your will says, your furniture, china and
other household contents will be left to my children
equally. That should make your heirs happy, right?
Well, it's a good thing you won't be around when
they have to start divvying up your stuff. How do
you define equal when it comes to splitting the
Thanksgiving turkey platter three ways? Even the
most amicable adult children can turn acrimonious –
even litigious – when trying to figure out who gets
the items fraught with sentimental meaning. Animosities
can also flare if parents bequeath items
without providing reasons for their decisions–for
instance, if your daughter, who got Grandma's nut
bowl, doesn't understand why you left the silver service
to your son. "Who gets these things can become
signs over how much a parent loved and cared about
them," says Elizabeth Arnold, a lawyer based in San
Francisco and author of Creating the Good Will (Portfolio,
$23). "A misunderstanding from childhood
could surface over who received the treasured lamp."
To avoid hurt feelings and conflicts, and to ensure
that the children actually get what they want, parents
should bring their heirs to the decision-making
table, according to Arnold and other estate-planning
experts. You can allow them to choose objects with
your oversight, or you can elicit their opinions and then
make the decisions on your own.
An alternative is to design a distribution system
that your heirs can employ after you're gone.
"The best approach is to talk with your heirs rather
than assume that you know what's best or that whatever
you decide will work out fine," says Thayer
Cheatham Willis, author of Navigating the Dark Side
of Wealth: A Life Guide for Inheritors (New Concord
Press, $25).
Still, only 31% of persons older than age 65 say
they have discussed inheritance issues with their kids,
according to a poll conducted last year for Allianz
Life Insurance Co. But inheritance experts say that
families who avoid legacy issues miss an opportunity
to discuss family values and traditions. They also may
be increasing the chance of sibling squabbles after the
parents' deaths. Indeed, the same study found that
heirs are five times more likely to fight about fulfilling
their parents' last wishes and distributing personal
possessions than about money.
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